i am seriously toooooo fucked to even function right now. alcohol is like.. running real strong through my veins plus there's that sweet green that i smoke even when i shouldn't. i shouldn't do the two together.. especially when i come home from work with a bottle of wine and kill it before justin even gets here with other shit. justin + wanda + me = trouble! but i love it. wanda is like..... sure you know, shes my dad's girlfriend. but she's like, my good friend too. i tell her everything. some things i don't even tell me good friends. she just understands everything and has been through soooo much. it's hard for me to find people who understand me, people who have been through as much shit as i have. but she has, so we really connect. i really do love her a lot, she hooks me up and talks me through everything and honest to god cares about me and i can read it all over her, it's wonderful. yeah i'm on shit but it just means my real feelings are coming out. i can talk to her about not only my current feelings about justin and stuff, and whatever else is currently going on in my life, but also all my past shit. i can talk to her about justin, old shit and new shit, elliot, dan, blake, friends, father, mother, brother, life in general, anything. she never ever judges, she always listens full heartedly, and gives me opinions and advice. i think she is an amazing woman, and my dad is really lucky to have her. they have some problems sometimes, but even when they do i always know they will work shit out because i can see and sense the intense, crazy-passionate love they have for each other. and that's what justin and i have, and it gives me faith for when justin and i are fighting. it just doesn't matter. we will work it out. we will be crazy about each other again, you know. nothing can take it away. the stupidest things, they don't matter, we will be together, same with my daddy and wanda, they have this wild, out of control feeeling, it just glues you together forever. and i would looove to see my dad with wanda forever.
my mom is already so happy with her fiancee. most of you probably don't know but my mom and dad are still married even though they've been separated since i was 7 which was... 15 years ago... but i hope they do really get divorced, and she can marry Jerry, because even though i don't really understand why she had to go all the way up there, she's happy, she's happier than i've ever seen her in my entire life. and that means so, so, sooooo much to me. i want her to be happy, of course. even if that's miles and miles away. i'll see her once or twice a year, and i'll be damn happy with it. because she's happy. and that's all that matters. and then my dad can marry wanda, who he is obviously meant to be with. my mom and him are both amazing, fantastic, wonderful people. just, in very different ways. and that's why they never worked. but they both deserve to be happy with their own. and wanda is a perfect match for my dad, i hope they never give up on each other.
i really realize i'm babbling and i apologize, it's just that i'm so high and drunk that i can't stop talking, and justin is passed out in my bed. i was supposed to let him sleep for five minutes and then wake him up but now that he's out i don't know if i should...
i've got one more thought for the night and then i'll end this crazy long ramble...
i feel like a lot of times, i make promises i can't keep. i'm going to try and work on that. it's mostly to old friends that i haven't seen in a long time, i always tell them like, ohh we can hang out all the time, we can be best friends, i swear. i have no friends. and i mean it when i say it, but i never follow through, and then i feel like people are trying to msg me and call me and get a hold of me and i'm unavailable. i feel really guilty about it always, but it's just my nature i guess. i don't really socialize much anymore. i spend my nights with justin, which makes me happy. i hate, hate hate haaaate going a whole night without seeing him. so i go and hang out with his friends, which are all my friends anyway, so it works out perfect. but my few friends who are outside of the circle, namely leash, adam, chantal, blake... i feel like i promise more hangouts than i can fulfill. and i'm hammered righ tnow i know i'm babbling soooo bad but it's just something i think about.. i'm really really sorry to these people, it's not that i don't want to see you, ireally do. it's just that between work and justin and whatever else important things ihave to do, it's really hard to find time. and if i do find a little spare time to myself, i like to spend it alone, playing neopets or sleeping or cleaning and grocery shopping or whatever i feel like doing by myself.
anyways this has been a huuuuuge drunken ramble that i will probably laugh my ass at tomorrow and possibly delete..... so i will end it here. it's time for me to wake up justin so we can get a lil more fucked up before we pass out...
tomorrow, saturday, is my last shift with alysha rutledge before she moves away. i am going to cry like a baby when she leaves, just saying. i love the girl, to pieces to pieces to pieces. and i love wanda. and i love my dad, my brother, my family.
most of all, i really, really, crazily, intensely love my bee, my justin, my soul and love of my life. i never really put it into such blatant words publically. but how can i keep that secret. everyone knows we were each other's first love, first everything. fighting, or getting along, or anything, i always know i'm all about him, i never doubt it for even a split second. i'm living and breathing for him, and he makes me feel like i am a god. ahhhh i'm a mushball...i should actually stop.... since i've been saying i'm gonna end this for like, an hour now.
synopsis: 1: i love justin, wanda, my mom and brother and dad, and my friends, alysha and others.
2.i am fuckedddd right up, but that just means i'm talkative and truthful.
i will try not to delete this tomorrow since it's probably all real and heartfelt.
i'm gonna go wake up my boooo and have a drink and maybe a talk, maybe a snuggle and we'll see what else :) then night night time, and my last day with my best girl friend alysha rutledge :)
holy cow...... goodnight readers! sorry to put you through that!
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