wavering

everything revolves around time. i'm constantly conscious of time. i wonder whether it's time for class, or time to leave, or time to wake up. i think about before. when things felt different. when they were. when can i graduate, i want to fast forward to getting a job, i want to fast forward to getting married. i want to go backwards, back to vegas. back to being close with my family. back to when i used to paint. shift forward again, i want to be buying a house now. i always want to go forward. or back. but either way, i almost never want to be where i am. there have been a select few moments in my life where i felt at peace with myself, like i was happy. driving home late at night from blue mountain, music playing, sun roof open, blowing smoke up into the stars. holding hands. i want to go back to that. i want to go back to that so bad that i'm being overwhelmed with tears. there are so little happy times in my life, always just this crushing sadness. i'm wavering.