not alright

well i feel 14 and 15 and 16 again, x10, does that make me 150 years old? i feel like it. i care a lot more. i get by but not without effort. i have 12 different outlooks on life. there are easy but unhealthy ways of dealing with things and lately i've been choosing them. i look back and i don't even know how i got here. time passed me by. i've made a lot of bad decisions. i act from passion and not reason. i don't know if that's good or bad. i guess it's neither. on one hand, i can't believe how much my life has changed. and on the other hand, everything is exactly the same. i feel like i've taken several steps backwards, in so many ways. so, so many ways. for the first time in years i feel like giving up again. i won't of course, i've still got fight left in me. but i'm hanging by a thread and trying really hard to keep it all together. this is really personal and i don't really know why i'm posting it because i know lots of people are reading it that don't care about me and it's none of their business but i guess it just doesn't matter, i just don't care who knows what about me anymore. yes i am weak too. i am breaking a little, i don't feel i have strength enough to do anything today. i know this will pass. but right now i'm thinking, it would be so easy to just go back to how i used to be. not care about anything, not worry about the future, just party and not worry about tomorrow. get fucked up and not worry about anything, ever. that's such a shitty way to be. but it's so much easier. i don't know. i need some sort of release, i don't even know what to do with myself. i don't even know what else to say. i just want it to pass, i can't wait for it to pass.