woww

i found some old journals. like really old. with a lot of my writing in them. i was so dark then. i don't remember writing these and it's hard to believe i did. i'll post some of it for fun. don't judge.

1. everyone is so ugly. your hunched backs and your heavy lidded, sleepy eyes. your crooked hair cuts and stupid grins. the holes in your clothes speak like dirty, open mouths. you mistake my disdainful glances for interest. i conceive of the idea that possibly, there is more to you. somewhere. i quickly disregard it. you're nothing. a waste of flesh. (how full of hate was i?)

2. you feel like home. but i'm still alone. my guts begin to twist and i yearn to not exist. when the day is through and i'm lying next to you, the solitude sets in, my heart is wearing thin. everything was set, before we even met. an indestructible force and i cannot change its course. the sadness is stagnant within my mind. my will is still to search and destroy. i long to be distracted and free from my fears, this thing that's haunted me for so many years. i can only stay still and cry, wanting only to lay down and die. happiness isn't something that can be taught, this sadness steals my every thought. (how depressed was i?)

3. dishes diapers garbage
steal lie
love
kiss fuck
i hate you
disgusting dirty
immobile
fuck you
scream yell scare
angry walls
close
around me
hug cry fuck
mess up
cycle
beg plead
let me go
let go
silence
curse sleep
i hate you
really.

that one just about sums up my relationship with elliot i believe.

4. absolute devastation. no matter how deep. an unmatchable love. hate. bombarded with regret. eat my secrets. swallow my disgust. never my pride. imagery. unbelievable beauty flooded with falsehood. choke on vanity, deserve it. a serious sadness. camouflaged. conceal myself. can hollow people fall in love? erase mistakes, never face them. silence, never speak. stay cold and make it through. 100% human. mortal. immaculate feelings argued by a lack of compassion. control. digging will kill me. body, mind, heart. i dropped it. don't ask, i won't lie.

i don't remember what that was about.

5. in the end.. whatever happens.. i'll still be beautiful. there will be people i can force to care for me. my mother will love me. i'll have a few friends. and things will never change. i will always be sad. i will always cry at night. and i'll always be beautiful.

i don't even know.. these journals are sooo depressing. i forgot how sad i was back then. it easily comes back when i read these, more specifically the ones i'm not posting on here because i don't want people to know i'm completely crazy.

last night i didn't get to see justin because he was asleep by the time i got off work, and tonight he is in toronto for a basketball game and partying with some friends. i am missing him prettty badly. i don't get to see him until sunday because he has something or other to do tomorrow. i'm such a baby. i gotta learn to not be so needy. like i can't even handle 3 nights apart without getting whiny? pathetic. i gotta control it haha.

anyways i am not feeling well so it's off to bed for me.. ta ta.