i feel close to death. my skin feels like ice. my eyeballs feel like high pressure oxygen tanks. my lungs and my heart feel empty. i feel like everything is out of my control. nothing means anything, good intentions don't mean anything. good intentions are believable. there is sincerity. but life controls itself. intentions are not always relavent.

i know this will pass. part of being me, is occasionally feeling like i'm dying. how unfortunate is that? how fucked up is it that when i get so indescribably sad that i want to die, i have to tell myself that it's normal for me and it will pass. how fucked up is it that i have to be this sad, when everyone else gets to feel normal sad.

i'm so scared. i think back to when Blake left me and how crippling it was. it tore me and shredded me into tattered, sick little pieces. and the way i love justin can't even be compared to anything else. it's so much more important than anything else, it's not an option. i don't see any alternative to living in fear that life is going to take that away from me.

i'm just so sad and tired and i don't know how to fix myself.