i'm feeling more alone right now than i have in a long while. i remember nights when i was still living at my dad's house, and justin and i were sort of together but technically not, and everything was really complicated. we were fighting a lot back then, mostly about boundaries i think since our status was not really defined. anyways that was a sort of dark period of my life. i was getting over blake leaving me so suddenly and also trying to establish what sort of relationship was forming with justin. i drank alone a lot then and cried and that's what i'm doing now, minus the crying. the sadness is there though, i think i'm just too drunk to cry. or too high. i don't know anymore. i just know that nothing is always what it seems. people aren't always being completely honest with you. and they will accuse you of things to take the attention off of their own faults.

i have an issue with lying. i'm not good at it. i also have an issue with keeping my thoughts to myself. i'm very much open. open wide.

i think that i feel sick to my stomach at everything right now and i just want to get in bed by myself and sleep alone, and maybe sleep forever. it feels a little bit like that.

this is all so ancient. it's been a while since i've felt like this.