Well.. it has been an extremely rough couple of weeks. I won't lie. I have been dealing with things in pretty unhealthy ways, but I think I'm just about ready to spit it all out.
I just typed like 3 paragraphs and then erased them because it feels unorganized. There is so much I haven't said and need to say and I don't know where to start. I guess I'll start from the beginning.
In the beginning, I felt like I would never snap out of it. Losing Blake hit me so, so hard. The sadness saturated me completely, I felt so heavy, like I could never move or speak again. I felt like the tears would never ever stop, they kept coming and coming even when I wasn't expecting them, I'd lock the door and turn off the lights to go to bed and realize that tears were streaming down my face and I hadn't even noticed. I barely functioned. It didn't feel real, the house was empty and I just waited for him to come home and he never did. One morning at work he texted me and said he would be by later with Ron's truck to get his mattress and Diesel and everything. That's the exact moment that it felt real and that's when I lost control, I begged and pleaded and made a fool of myself. I offered everything I had, wanted to make every sacrafice to have him home. He said, "It's over, why are you doing this to yourself?" Then I knew it was real.
I had had suspicions about this girl, Megan. When Blake and I were still together, we were supposed to go see Protest the Hero with Nick one night. I was babysitting my dad's girlfriend's little ones and I got stuck there late, I told Blake to go ahead without me and have fun, not to miss out just because of me. He said thank you for being an amazing girlfriend. About a week later he text me one morning when I was at work and said, by the way, I gave my number to this girl I met at the Protest show and she's cool soo I'm going to be her friend. Just so you don't think I'm hiding things. .....Is that not wrong? I would never go out and give my number to some guy. Never. When I inquired about it he called me crazy and made me feel bad. I realize now how badly he used to manipulate me. When he broke up with me I asked if it had anything to do with her and he said no. I said, Please can we not get involved with anyone else just yet, I'm truly handling all I can handle. He said nothing and I knew then. The other day I went to pick up some of my stuff from his mom's place and he told me that they are hanging out and he really likes her and they kissed and she's high on life and I would love her blah blah blah blah. Way to stab an open wound. This girl is 17... she is worlds away from me. I said, she's seventeen Blake, you can't even take her out, what are you going to do with her? And he said, You don't want to know what I'm going to do to her. He laughs. I cry. He is joking but it's cruel.
I am not completely innocent. I tell him I am sleeping with Justin. Justin is my best friend and that's all, but the sexual chemistry is there and we both have no reason not to act on it, so why not? It's comfortable, it's a good thing, it soothes my sadness. Of course, I love Justin, I've always loved him and I always will love him. But after 8 years, there's so much more there, such a good friendship. And that's all it will ever be now. So, like I said, why not? He's filling a space in my life without all of the complications of a romantic relationship. He's my best friend by day, we get high and watch movies all day, or we party, we laugh and have fun. And at night it's different, it's more. There is a lot of intensity and passion and contentment. Through the whole night he never leaves my side, he never pulls away from me and I feel more loved by someone who doesn't love me than I ever did by someone who apparently did love me. And in the morning, he is just my best friend again. It's perfect.
So I tell Blake. And a part of me wants it to hurt him, I want him to be jealous and I want him to see what he's missing. I want to tell him exactly how much fun I have with Justin, but I don't. I say it nicely. He doesn't care. He tells me he got over me quickly and that it's just what he does. Really? A year and a half and you just "got over" me? Two weeks before Blake broke up with me, he told me that he is so in love with me and he truly wants to marry me, that he has even thought of where and when and how he will ask. I think that his Grandma dying set him off. He says our relationship was faultering, but I never felt that, I never felt that at all. And he never said it. Like I said, he played the marriage card just two weeks before all of this. I've given up trying to figure it out. It doesn't matter why it's over, it just matters that it's over. And now I'm able to see that it's better this way. I see that I was ignoring things before that were making me unhappy. Blake is emotionally shut down.
When we first started seeing each other, in the summer of 2008, he was full of feelings. We used to stay up all night talking about how crazy it was that we felt so intensely about each other, there was passion. I don't know where we lost that, but we surely did, and Blake has never been the same.
Blake said he wanted to be friends. He wanted to stay in touch and he wanted all of this to go as smoothly as possible. He is still being rude to me, he's still short with me on the phone, he's still mean. For so long I've been dealing with him being mean and not opening my mouth because I'd rather avoid a fight. It makes it easier. It's hard to feel sad when you're angry. I am harvesting my feelings, moulding my anger into a sort of protection, it has healing properties. Now when I see his face, I don't even find him attractive. It's amazing how quickly you can lose that. I used to live for his face, it could make my heart hammer in my chest. Now, nothing. It's a shame. I feel like I wasted a lot of my time and feelings and energy, I never wanted to mess around, I never wanted this. I was in it for real. A shame.
Now, I live day by day. I do what I want, see who I please. I'm drinking and getting high a lot right now but that will slow down, I'm just embracing my freedom. I'm having fun, meeting new people. I have more than a few people who are showing interest in me, not to sound full of myself but I'm realizing opportunities and it makes me feel good about myself. I am getting to know these people. I am nowhere near ready for a relationship, I'm actually loving being single right now. There is one person who I actually am starting to see potential in as I get to know him, and if he's really someone I'm supposed to be with, then he'll be around when I'm ready some day. Or not. Who knows. That's the beauty of this. I have ten million options and I have no idea what's going to happen in my life. All I'm doing is getting to know new friends, spending time with old friends, and sitting back to let whatever happens happen.
I'm getting used to this life. In the end, I'm glad for all that happened. It sucks that I wasted my time again, but this is the first time I've ever been single and it's giving me a chance to get to know myself. I'm getting out there, I'm doing things. If I want to stay in Welland, I can. If I want to go to Chatham to school, I can. And I'll have a good time. Maybe I will fuck off to a random place and join the Animal Liberation Front. I can if I want to. I can go live where ever I want, I can do whatever I want. My life is starting to show beauty and potential. I feel good, and I see good things coming. I couldn't want more.
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I'm proud of you, cousin. Just remember, right now given your set of circumstances, you are at a vital turnpike in your life. You are right, you are more than capable of anything right now, but it is the choices and roads you take now that will play the most crucial role of all in a longer run than you might expect. Just ensure that the choices you are making now, even though they are mostly occurring to allow you to heal and broaden your horizons, that they are also allowing you to see the horizon ahead of you. The moment you can't see the horizon any more, if you do stumble that far, I want you to call me right away. And in response to the "cooked" entry you wrote above this one, I may not agree with it, but if it is helping at THIS point in time, so be it. Just don't allow yourself to submit to lucidity in order to situate yourself in this reality. It's dangerous, and you've been down that road before. It's far too easy to lay down your armour and conform to previous sets of rules and lifestyles in order to function in times of stress or emotional pain. The past is familiar, cordial, overly welcoming and hospitable, but nonetheless it is still an old, lost friend. Do not turn back the pages of this book you call your life in order to seek future endeavour and potential. Just some food for thought, cousin. But before I ramble too much, just know that I love you most of all family outside of my direct family :) And if you need anything, I'm right here. Keep your head up, but try not to put it too far above the clouds, if you know what I mean. The view may be beautiful from up there, and tranquil and therapeutic in a sense for now, but you're inside a personal storm, Cherie. Stay too long up there and the view back to earth will be much darker and cloudy and it might be a little more difficult than expected to maneuver back down around it. Think about it. Love you lots. Talk to you soon :)
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