to you i am flawed, but to someone i'm god, so just go

I am actually getting excited to move home. I'm going to throw out a lot of my shit, I don't need to have so much stuff. I'm going to make my room really super cool, and I'll be happy in it. I'm going to have money all the time. No more rent, no more bills. I will have family again. I can talk to my mom every single day if I want because long distance is free. I'll be able to afford to buy a car, maybe in the spring. I can still come and go as I please, I can sleep where ever I want, home or otherwise. Work is two seconds away. It's going to work out. There are a lot of advantages.

I have a lot of plans. Sometime whenever I start to feel better (I'm really sick) I'm going to the Flying Saucer with Dave, haha. I think we are probably the only two people in the world who like that place. This weekend I'm going out for drinks with my very old friend Jimmy Belcastro. I'm also supposed to meet up for drinks with my friend Ryan Grant who I love and miss a lot. Next weekend some girls are going to Dragonfly, I've never been there but kind of always wanted to. I like getting all dressed up and feeling pretty, so I want to do that. It's incredible how I have all these friends showing up out of nowhere, old ones and new ones, all wanting to see me all the time. It's wicked. I think, I'm loved by a lot more people than I thought. It makes me all warm and fuzzy.

I even have good feelings toward Blake. I know he's going through a hard time right now and I truly would do anything for him if he wanted, if I could help him in any way I would. I want him to be happy, even if it's without me.

Of course there are certain times where I still feel very sad about all of this, but mostly I'm really happy. I'm loving, LOVING my freedom, loving my friends, loving my life. I've never had this before. I've never felt so free.

I'm also starting to accept that one day, I am going to fall in love with someone again. But next time, he's going to be perfect for me. Each one of my boyfriends have been better than the last. With each relationship experience I've learned more about what I do and do not want out of someone. Next time, I won't settle for anything less than someone who absolutely floors me, someone who will make my head spin, someone who is serious and wants to make a life with me. Next time I fall in love, I'm not going to fall out. I WILL have the life that I want, I WILL get married to somebody amazing, and I WILL have a baby some day. I'm going to live my young years having fun, I'm partying with my friends, until I find this perfect person. Not perfect, but perfect for me. And when that time comes I'll settle down and be the wife, be the mom, be whatever I want to be. My life is an open book, a half written novel, I've had so many experiences and some things have been incredible and some things have been devastating. But it's all good. I'm stronger than I ever would have thought. I am constantly learning. I feel really good, I feel really powerful and enlightened.

I have the world at my feet.