always breaking

sometimes the pain is so unbearable i can feel my mind slipping away and i feel myself losing control. i stand in front of the mirror and i am crying so hard that i can't catch a breath, i'm literally doubling over. i force myself to keep eye contact with myself in the mirror, i memorize the planes and angles of my face, the way the tears travel around all the contours. i memorize the sadness, i will call this image back later in life before i ever let myself fall in love again.

lf

when does it end?

back in the car

you're not gonna stop
not once you've begun
i know how you are.

STRENGTH

i took out my battle axe
i'm hacking at everything around me to get to the truth
the only way through is to fight, to carve a new path
i'm cultivating this into strength
i'm wielding it
i may bend, but i will never fucking fall.

solution?

I wrote this one year ago today:

"sometimes i just need to smoke a joint. i feel better now, now i can just chill and stop freakin' out.

i used to hate it but i dont know if i can ever stop now. my life is honestly better now that i do this all the time again, i mean i'm in a better place emotionally.

it's a temporary solution for depression."

so much for temporary haha

poetry

oh to know what i know. such an extravagant show. you did everything you could, and you hoped i never would, but now i finally know.

a light of my own

there's some bright light that's gone from me now, and re-ignition is impossible. how everything falls, sliding down the walls. i used to be so sure. i had a rope, in the middle of this mess. it didn't matter how bad i was bleeding, that rope held strong and stretched forth into the blackness that is my future. if only i had a little light of my own, maybe i could've seen. maybe i could've seen the rope fraying in the darkness before it snapped and sent me spinning off.

i've been living in this nothing for weeks and i'm starting to swallow it.