whoooooa

a bowl with 6 layers of alternating hash and crystals from the buster = dooooooom!!!

blahhh

chase the fuckin' blues away.

ahaha

longest and most fucked up blog ever. that's okay. i haven't gotten this messed up in a while so i'm glad i did. and i'm glad i did with justin, and wanda, we had like great conversations when all 3 of us were in here, and after she leaves, me and justin still have these amazing talks. it's weird, 8 years and we never run out of shit to talk about. i love us. but you all know that.

night night!

so what you wanted me to say huh?

i am seriously toooooo fucked to even function right now. alcohol is like.. running real strong through my veins plus there's that sweet green that i smoke even when i shouldn't. i shouldn't do the two together.. especially when i come home from work with a bottle of wine and kill it before justin even gets here with other shit. justin + wanda + me = trouble! but i love it. wanda is like..... sure you know, shes my dad's girlfriend. but she's like, my good friend too. i tell her everything. some things i don't even tell me good friends. she just understands everything and has been through soooo much. it's hard for me to find people who understand me, people who have been through as much shit as i have. but she has, so we really connect. i really do love her a lot, she hooks me up and talks me through everything and honest to god cares about me and i can read it all over her, it's wonderful. yeah i'm on shit but it just means my real feelings are coming out. i can talk to her about not only my current feelings about justin and stuff, and whatever else is currently going on in my life, but also all my past shit. i can talk to her about justin, old shit and new shit, elliot, dan, blake, friends, father, mother, brother, life in general, anything. she never ever judges, she always listens full heartedly, and gives me opinions and advice. i think she is an amazing woman, and my dad is really lucky to have her. they have some problems sometimes, but even when they do i always know they will work shit out because i can see and sense the intense, crazy-passionate love they have for each other. and that's what justin and i have, and it gives me faith for when justin and i are fighting. it just doesn't matter. we will work it out. we will be crazy about each other again, you know. nothing can take it away. the stupidest things, they don't matter, we will be together, same with my daddy and wanda, they have this wild, out of control feeeling, it just glues you together forever. and i would looove to see my dad with wanda forever.

my mom is already so happy with her fiancee. most of you probably don't know but my mom and dad are still married even though they've been separated since i was 7 which was... 15 years ago... but i hope they do really get divorced, and she can marry Jerry, because even though i don't really understand why she had to go all the way up there, she's happy, she's happier than i've ever seen her in my entire life. and that means so, so, sooooo much to me. i want her to be happy, of course. even if that's miles and miles away. i'll see her once or twice a year, and i'll be damn happy with it. because she's happy. and that's all that matters. and then my dad can marry wanda, who he is obviously meant to be with. my mom and him are both amazing, fantastic, wonderful people. just, in very different ways. and that's why they never worked. but they both deserve to be happy with their own. and wanda is a perfect match for my dad, i hope they never give up on each other.

i really realize i'm babbling and i apologize, it's just that i'm so high and drunk that i can't stop talking, and justin is passed out in my bed. i was supposed to let him sleep for five minutes and then wake him up but now that he's out i don't know if i should...

i've got one more thought for the night and then i'll end this crazy long ramble...

i feel like a lot of times, i make promises i can't keep. i'm going to try and work on that. it's mostly to old friends that i haven't seen in a long time, i always tell them like, ohh we can hang out all the time, we can be best friends, i swear. i have no friends. and i mean it when i say it, but i never follow through, and then i feel like people are trying to msg me and call me and get a hold of me and i'm unavailable. i feel really guilty about it always, but it's just my nature i guess. i don't really socialize much anymore. i spend my nights with justin, which makes me happy. i hate, hate hate haaaate going a whole night without seeing him. so i go and hang out with his friends, which are all my friends anyway, so it works out perfect. but my few friends who are outside of the circle, namely leash, adam, chantal, blake... i feel like i promise more hangouts than i can fulfill. and i'm hammered righ tnow i know i'm babbling soooo bad but it's just something i think about.. i'm really really sorry to these people, it's not that i don't want to see you, ireally do. it's just that between work and justin and whatever else important things ihave to do, it's really hard to find time. and if i do find a little spare time to myself, i like to spend it alone, playing neopets or sleeping or cleaning and grocery shopping or whatever i feel like doing by myself.

anyways this has been a huuuuuge drunken ramble that i will probably laugh my ass at tomorrow and possibly delete..... so i will end it here. it's time for me to wake up justin so we can get a lil more fucked up before we pass out...

tomorrow, saturday, is my last shift with alysha rutledge before she moves away. i am going to cry like a baby when she leaves, just saying. i love the girl, to pieces to pieces to pieces. and i love wanda. and i love my dad, my brother, my family.

most of all, i really, really, crazily, intensely love my bee, my justin, my soul and love of my life. i never really put it into such blatant words publically. but how can i keep that secret. everyone knows we were each other's first love, first everything. fighting, or getting along, or anything, i always know i'm all about him, i never doubt it for even a split second. i'm living and breathing for him, and he makes me feel like i am a god. ahhhh i'm a mushball...i should actually stop.... since i've been saying i'm gonna end this for like, an hour now.



synopsis: 1: i love justin, wanda, my mom and brother and dad, and my friends, alysha and others.

2.i am fuckedddd right up, but that just means i'm talkative and truthful.




i will try not to delete this tomorrow since it's probably all real and heartfelt.

i'm gonna go wake up my boooo and have a drink and maybe a talk, maybe a snuggle and we'll see what else :) then night night time, and my last day with my best girl friend alysha rutledge :)


holy cow...... goodnight readers! sorry to put you through that!

that's a good look. better yet, a hood look.

i am seriously so happy it almost hurts. everything keeps getting better and better and better and better, i don't get it. every single day is incredible and blows my mind. i'm feeling so much love i don't even know what to do with myself. it's so different from anything i've felt before. i know i'm being all mushy and gross but like.. i dunno i'm just really stoked. i've never been so sure of something in my life, and i've never felt so loved and beautiful and important and perfect.

ahhh i could explode. <3

yee i'm tiger woods.

i feel a lot happier now. work is overwith and now i'm off for 3 days, which i'm really stoked about. tomorrow i am cleaning and hopefully it will be nice out so i can tan outside for a little bit. friday chantal is coming over to hang out with justin and i which i am stoked for, we are gonna chill here and have a few drinks and whatever. i haven't hung out with her in ages so i'm really excited. :)

saturday ashley and i are driving down to ridgetown to check out a few places and visit the college and stuff. i'm pretty sure we already know where we are going to live but we have some more things to talk out. the house is really nice that we want. :)

so in other news one of my very best friends alysha rutledge is moving away to BC for 4 months. she leaves in 2 weeks and she is coming back right when i am leaving for ridgetown, so i am going to miss her x a billion. seriously. it sucks. but it's going to be really good for her and she's going to make a lot of money and have tons of fun.

what else is there to update about... umm justin and i are planning a trip for this summer, we don't know where yet but we've been checking out lots of islands and stuff, we wanna go somewhere hot. i'm excited. we are doing so well and he makes me so happy it's like pretty ridiculous. yay :)

so okay those were all happy posts.. which is good! and i think that's all i have to say. at least for now. have a great night everyone :)

ps jessie i know youre reading this .. we gotta make a day to hang out okay? i miss you n jon.

dangerous

i get so angry that i am shaking. i fucking hate dumb bitches. i am fucking seeething.

i can feel you need me, it feels so good to meee

i am so stupidly crazy in love. last time i felt this much, was 5 years ago when i was with him. this whole thing blows my mind.

do what you feel now.

i really like getting super baked and playing neopets. it's like, the happiest, most relaxing part of my day. and i have justin behind me playing xbox so if i get bored of neopets i get to go snuggle and fall asleep. this is so much better than being at work!

open fire

so i'm sitting here playing neopets and watching justin play xbox and listening to silverchair. we just scraped our buster and smoked all the crystals and now i don't even know what is happening.

i'm excited to snuggle up and watch a movie and fall asleep. :) <3

i went out in the rain, suddenly everything changed!

i don't know, i feel disgusting. i need to like, cleanse my body. i've only smoked half a cigarette in the last 3 days so that's good, but i haven't been eating very well and i seriously smoke so much weed, my lungs don't even take full breaths in anymore hah. i just feel like i need to lose ten pounds and get a tan and teeth whitened and i'll feel a whole lot better.


you know, it's funny how when you really, really love someone, you'd do anything for them and not think twice about it. things you thought you wouldn't ever want to do but when it's making them happy, you just don't care. i feel like we are very balanced and we both do a lot for each other and try to keep each other happy. i guess that's all that matters.

wasted day

well it's almost 2:30 and i pretty much just crawled out of bed. justin is still sleeping beside me. he didn't get home till almost 3 and was hammered when he got here and we ended up staying up till almost 6:00am. he said lots of really nice things that made me happy even though he was probably just saying them because he was hammered haha. they were still nice things to hear. so yes the day has been wasted but at least i had a good night with him, we needed to spend that time together.

so now i pretty much have to get ready and go to work. and my night is looking a lot like more getting high alone and playing Forza 3, which i was kicking ass at last night until i fell asleep.

have a good day people!

when you miss me, just remember that i always gotcha with me.

i feel better now. working took my mind off of being sad. also i found out when i got there that my pay was way higher than i thought it would be, that i got a raise, and that i'm going to be full time starting next month. so that all cheered me up a bunch.

i smoked a joint on my walk home and now i'm going to play xbox because justin rented Forza 3 for me since he is busy and won't really be around over the next few days. he is coming here to sleep with me tho because he knows that i am pathetic and cannot sleep without him haha. so he is gone out for a few drinks with the boys right now and will come crawl in bed with me later. :)

leash wanted me to go out tonight and i was going to but then the timing didn't really work out and whatever so i'm just going to smoke and play xbox and maybe eat some KD and get some sleep till my boy gets here. :)

night night everyone!

ugh

omg i am depressed as shit i just want to melt into the floor and die.

gettin real tired.

justin was supposed to be here a long time ago and i'm making myself stay awake because i want to see him but i've smoked so much tonight so i'm getting really sleepy and my eyes are burning really badly.

my house has a huge cloud of anger and depression hanging over it today and it's been raining all over me all day. i don't even really have anything wrong but i'm depressed anyway because that's the mood in my house.

whenever i blog when i'm stoned i'm not sure if people are going to understand what i'm trying to say, but i guess that doesn't really matter.

red n green

i have red wine and a huge bag of weed sitting on my desk and i just rolled a nice joint and smoked it. i feel happy about all of the above. i'm not even sad anymore.

i always listen to different things depending on my mood. earlier i was listening to all these sad songs. then i get high and listen to fun happy ghetto music haha. and i feel a lot better.

true love is cruel love, my heart overfloods

it's one of those days, again. i am drinking red wine and smoking a lot of cigarettes, my hair is in a ponytail, i'm still in pajamas and i am wearing last nights makeup. i'm cleaning and organizing my bathroom while singing sad songs by the Cardigans. when i'm done i'm going to run a bubble bath in the jacuzzi and soak up my sorrows until justin gets here to make it all better again.



and then you kissed me, and it hit me really hard.

such a pretty smile, such a shame the things you hide behind it.

sometimes i just need to smoke a joint. i feel better now, now i can just chill and stop freakin' out.

i used to hate it but i dont know if i can ever stop now. my life is honestly better now that i do this all the time again, i mean i'm in a better place emotionally.

it's a temporary solution for depression.

you must have been soo high.

i always know it'll be over soon. it just fucking sucks.

sigh.

i don't even know what to feel today. i'm happy and sad and angry. everything just seems to be going wrong. one of those days.

oh well.


*like, so angry and sad that my stomach feels sick and i might throw up. fuck.

just keep living

thank god for the people who love me.

i have so much hate in me toward some people, but it's balanced out by all the love i feel for the people who matter.

yin and yang.

more easter details!

well now i have a little more time, dinner is over and justin is playing xbox so i'm just chillin.

woke up this morning at 7:30 (the kids had me up) did the whole easter morning thing, showered and got ready and what not all while justin slept because he's a sleepyhead. woke him up and we did some running around, fed the animals at my work, cruised in the bmw for a bit with con and burned a blunt, then visited his aunt's house where i met his aunt and uncle and grandparents who were all very friendly and seemed to like me :) then came back to my house and had dinner and that brings us to now.

i'm happy. i really like how things have been going the last few months. i'm not sure if i've ever felt this content in my life. i have my life back. i have the greatest best friend. and i'm with my family again. the weather is beautiful and my mom will be home soon. i'm starting a future for myself, i have a solid life plan again and this time my person is a lot more compatible. maybe i'm a dreamer but i just feel really strongly that everything will fall into place, and that makes my heart really happy. :)

bunnyyyy day!

easter morning + blunts = love haha

and i smell your cologne in the aaaaaair

toooo fucked for life. my thoughts of the day are as follows:

1. i really like cars

2. i really like my boy

3. i really like drinking

4. i really like my life.

5. i don't have many close friends but the 2 that i do have, are more than enough for me. and fuck everyone else who doesn't care about me. :)

that is all :)

swagg up it's bright one blade it's tight!

i made soo many cupcakes today. i'm gonna bring some to work, send some to justin's house, and keep some here for my family. i love making cupcakes, i think i'm gonna bring some to the clinic today too to say thank you for all their help, they played a huge part in helping me get into Ridgetown.

tonight i'm cruisin with my boy in the beamer. christening sesh. i love my life.