soooo much love for him. i want to marry him. i want everything, i want him for the rest of my little life. no doubts.

i cry every single day of my life. i can't wait until this is all over.

i feel like i am creating an entirely new life here in Ridgetown and it's excluding everything from my former life. i have no contact with anyone in my family other than my mother. i haven't talked to my dad in weeks. I haven't seen Justin for more than two weeks. I'm making new friends here. school keeps me extremely busy.

i'm just starting to not give a fuck about home. how many people really cared about me, since none of them tried at all to stay in my life after i left.

it's amazing how alone i really truly am.

i keep typing long things and then erasing them... my main point is that i'm really, really in love with Justin. i wanted to write about it, but there just aren't any words for it. so that's it.

far

oh lover, hold on till i come back again. for these arms are growing tired.. and my tales are wearing thin. if you're patient, i will surprise. when you wake up, i'll have come. all the anger will settle down and we'll go do all the things we should have done. yes, i remember what we said as we lay down to bed, i'll be here if you will only come back home.

oh lover, i'm lost, because the road i've chosen beckons me away. oh lover, don't you roam. now i'm fighting words i never thought i'd say. but i remember what we said, as we lay down to bed, i'll forgive you, oh if you'll just come back home.

oh lover, i'm old. you'll be out there and be thinking just of me. i will find you down the road and we'll return back home to where we're meant to be. because i remember what we said as we lay down to bed. we'll be back as soon as we make history.

i'm trying really, really hard. pushing pushing pushing. crying and sleeping and thinking. writing. crying. trying.

i've been really depressed. drowning in a black hole of sadness. but i think i'm surfacing. i slept a lot today and then i took a nice long shower, and i felt a lot better after. i spent the last few hours cleaning my kitchen and bathroom. like hardcore cleaned. then i hardcore cleaned my room and rearranged a few things. i put my red light bulb in, lit some candles and incense and slipped into a sexy little nightgown instead of my usual justin's pj pants and justin's t-shirts. it makes me feel nicer. i also rolled a perfect joint. now i'm in bed and i'm going to smoke this and try to release all of my negative energy while i fall asleep.

i didn't do much of the homework that i wanted to do this weekend, and i didn't do my math assignment that's due in the morning. but i really, really needed this break. and i really need to relax and refocus.

what i really, really need is to be with justin. he is my cure-all. the beginning and the end of everything. the center of my universe. and my force of gravity.

when i try to wrap my head around the enormity of emotion, it makes my brain feel like mush.

love

love is crazy. it's wild. intense. life altering and soul consuming. it's fire and water, it can kill you. but it's really beautiful.

i feel close to death. my skin feels like ice. my eyeballs feel like high pressure oxygen tanks. my lungs and my heart feel empty. i feel like everything is out of my control. nothing means anything, good intentions don't mean anything. good intentions are believable. there is sincerity. but life controls itself. intentions are not always relavent.

i know this will pass. part of being me, is occasionally feeling like i'm dying. how unfortunate is that? how fucked up is it that when i get so indescribably sad that i want to die, i have to tell myself that it's normal for me and it will pass. how fucked up is it that i have to be this sad, when everyone else gets to feel normal sad.

i'm so scared. i think back to when Blake left me and how crippling it was. it tore me and shredded me into tattered, sick little pieces. and the way i love justin can't even be compared to anything else. it's so much more important than anything else, it's not an option. i don't see any alternative to living in fear that life is going to take that away from me.

i'm just so sad and tired and i don't know how to fix myself.

life seems to mostly be just a struggle to get through. always fighting problems, always fighting sadness. always fighting and struggling. i'm getting tired and starting to forget what the whole point is.

i'm feeling more alone right now than i have in a long while. i remember nights when i was still living at my dad's house, and justin and i were sort of together but technically not, and everything was really complicated. we were fighting a lot back then, mostly about boundaries i think since our status was not really defined. anyways that was a sort of dark period of my life. i was getting over blake leaving me so suddenly and also trying to establish what sort of relationship was forming with justin. i drank alone a lot then and cried and that's what i'm doing now, minus the crying. the sadness is there though, i think i'm just too drunk to cry. or too high. i don't know anymore. i just know that nothing is always what it seems. people aren't always being completely honest with you. and they will accuse you of things to take the attention off of their own faults.

i have an issue with lying. i'm not good at it. i also have an issue with keeping my thoughts to myself. i'm very much open. open wide.

i think that i feel sick to my stomach at everything right now and i just want to get in bed by myself and sleep alone, and maybe sleep forever. it feels a little bit like that.

this is all so ancient. it's been a while since i've felt like this.