mi casa

it's 10:00pm. you just woke up. your eyes are cloudy and you're wearing your girlfriends socks. you don't know where you are or why you're there. you start cleaning so that you can feel like you have a purpose but you don't care about anything. your sense of reality is faltering and the world doesn't really exist as you perceive it. everything is changing.

she is a self destructive addict. it doesn't matter what she's addicted to anymore as long as she can be addicted to something. her reality is hazier than even yours. you hate her, but she buys you things and puts a roof over your head with money that doesn't belong to her. it helps when you run out of the money that doesn't belong to you. she has every disease, disorder, and dysfunction you can imagine. each symptom is a stepping stone that takes her a little bit further inside her own mind. she emerges periodically, but she's getting close to permanent mental damage.

me, i'm an actress. i'm the biggest smile at school, i'm the funniest joke. i'm the model, the intelligent, the strongest girl in the world. i throw up lies everywhere i go. i put everyone in the palm of my hand, where i want them. they like me. but i'm more damaged than both of you. i'm the sickest, saddest life form around, encased safely in a spore of outward happiness. but i'm rotting in here.

how twisted we are, how sad that we exist. what god created us? and for fuck sake, why?

soooo much love for him. i want to marry him. i want everything, i want him for the rest of my little life. no doubts.

i cry every single day of my life. i can't wait until this is all over.

i feel like i am creating an entirely new life here in Ridgetown and it's excluding everything from my former life. i have no contact with anyone in my family other than my mother. i haven't talked to my dad in weeks. I haven't seen Justin for more than two weeks. I'm making new friends here. school keeps me extremely busy.

i'm just starting to not give a fuck about home. how many people really cared about me, since none of them tried at all to stay in my life after i left.

it's amazing how alone i really truly am.

i keep typing long things and then erasing them... my main point is that i'm really, really in love with Justin. i wanted to write about it, but there just aren't any words for it. so that's it.

far

oh lover, hold on till i come back again. for these arms are growing tired.. and my tales are wearing thin. if you're patient, i will surprise. when you wake up, i'll have come. all the anger will settle down and we'll go do all the things we should have done. yes, i remember what we said as we lay down to bed, i'll be here if you will only come back home.

oh lover, i'm lost, because the road i've chosen beckons me away. oh lover, don't you roam. now i'm fighting words i never thought i'd say. but i remember what we said, as we lay down to bed, i'll forgive you, oh if you'll just come back home.

oh lover, i'm old. you'll be out there and be thinking just of me. i will find you down the road and we'll return back home to where we're meant to be. because i remember what we said as we lay down to bed. we'll be back as soon as we make history.

i'm trying really, really hard. pushing pushing pushing. crying and sleeping and thinking. writing. crying. trying.

i've been really depressed. drowning in a black hole of sadness. but i think i'm surfacing. i slept a lot today and then i took a nice long shower, and i felt a lot better after. i spent the last few hours cleaning my kitchen and bathroom. like hardcore cleaned. then i hardcore cleaned my room and rearranged a few things. i put my red light bulb in, lit some candles and incense and slipped into a sexy little nightgown instead of my usual justin's pj pants and justin's t-shirts. it makes me feel nicer. i also rolled a perfect joint. now i'm in bed and i'm going to smoke this and try to release all of my negative energy while i fall asleep.

i didn't do much of the homework that i wanted to do this weekend, and i didn't do my math assignment that's due in the morning. but i really, really needed this break. and i really need to relax and refocus.

what i really, really need is to be with justin. he is my cure-all. the beginning and the end of everything. the center of my universe. and my force of gravity.

when i try to wrap my head around the enormity of emotion, it makes my brain feel like mush.

love

love is crazy. it's wild. intense. life altering and soul consuming. it's fire and water, it can kill you. but it's really beautiful.

i feel close to death. my skin feels like ice. my eyeballs feel like high pressure oxygen tanks. my lungs and my heart feel empty. i feel like everything is out of my control. nothing means anything, good intentions don't mean anything. good intentions are believable. there is sincerity. but life controls itself. intentions are not always relavent.

i know this will pass. part of being me, is occasionally feeling like i'm dying. how unfortunate is that? how fucked up is it that when i get so indescribably sad that i want to die, i have to tell myself that it's normal for me and it will pass. how fucked up is it that i have to be this sad, when everyone else gets to feel normal sad.

i'm so scared. i think back to when Blake left me and how crippling it was. it tore me and shredded me into tattered, sick little pieces. and the way i love justin can't even be compared to anything else. it's so much more important than anything else, it's not an option. i don't see any alternative to living in fear that life is going to take that away from me.

i'm just so sad and tired and i don't know how to fix myself.

life seems to mostly be just a struggle to get through. always fighting problems, always fighting sadness. always fighting and struggling. i'm getting tired and starting to forget what the whole point is.

i'm feeling more alone right now than i have in a long while. i remember nights when i was still living at my dad's house, and justin and i were sort of together but technically not, and everything was really complicated. we were fighting a lot back then, mostly about boundaries i think since our status was not really defined. anyways that was a sort of dark period of my life. i was getting over blake leaving me so suddenly and also trying to establish what sort of relationship was forming with justin. i drank alone a lot then and cried and that's what i'm doing now, minus the crying. the sadness is there though, i think i'm just too drunk to cry. or too high. i don't know anymore. i just know that nothing is always what it seems. people aren't always being completely honest with you. and they will accuse you of things to take the attention off of their own faults.

i have an issue with lying. i'm not good at it. i also have an issue with keeping my thoughts to myself. i'm very much open. open wide.

i think that i feel sick to my stomach at everything right now and i just want to get in bed by myself and sleep alone, and maybe sleep forever. it feels a little bit like that.

this is all so ancient. it's been a while since i've felt like this.

os coxae

i've learned sooo fucking much already since starting school. my brain is all full of trochanters and tuberosities and staphylococcus aureus and toxic neutrophils and lots of other things that i never knew existed. i just need to chill my brain out. blahhh.

brief thoughts

i just keep fighting through. i'm just a baby, most of my life is ahead of me yet. as a Canadian woman, my life expectancy is 82.7 years. now i don't know about that.. something inside me, ever since i was little, told me that i wouldn't live very long. it's just this weird feeling. but i've lived past when i thought i would and like i said, i just keep fighting through. i hope to fucking god, that life gets progressively better, and not worse. my mom says that life begins at 40. Cosmo says that for women, the 30s are far more enjoyable than your 20s. Cosmo and my mom are two of the 3 things i trust in this world.. the third being Justin. and he's promised me the life of my dreams. i trust him to give that to me. he does everything in his power to make me happy, always. every single day. so if i have someone like him by my side, how can i go wrong? how can i ever fail at life with this great love inside me? what if i am wrong and he destroys me? well... i'll keep fighting through. i'm always fighting through.

reality?

well every minute eats a little bit more of my rationality. the sucking sadness gets bigger and stronger and i don't really know what's real. how disorienting. is this intuition or psychotic insecurity? it's difficult to be alone with my thoughts for so many hours at a time. i always cry when i think for too long. what does that mean? what does that say? do i really have so many somber things to reflect upon or am i fabricating everything in my own lonely mind for no good reason? most likely the latter, but it's too hard to disregard the possibility of truth in the former.

nothing

my heart hurts. i'm empty, everything's pouring out in tears and there's almost nothing left. soon everything will fall apart.

..

i don't feel like writing really but quick life update... i love Noah my new kitty that lives at justin's house, and i'm moving in with justin for the summer before i go to school, and we're going to vegas in august. everything is crazy.

for today, 8:00am wake and bake and xbox all day! so hooked on toy story 3. :) peaace!


oh one last thing, headshot's last show at scene on sunday went so well and we all had so much fun. the end of headshot is like the end of a section of my life, those people and that music and our little group. but it's okay because there is something new and better on it's way and our little group has always been and always will until the end. :) <3

long time

wow, i really never do this anymore. i go through phases. i'm sure i'll get readdicted someday.

days

our days are running thin, our hopes will start to fall. i feel the world collapse around me, from within. the letters keep coming by to let us know when time will die. and please god will you forgive us? and give us one more try? if you will, then we'll go as fast as we go far. maybe we'll be forgotten when the world is torn apart. been up all night long counting days that all went wrong. i open my bedroom window, i wish this pain was gone. there are no useful drugs to escape from feeling numb. i remember an amazing birthday, i remember when i was young. the sun won't be so blinding, the rain will finally come. the ashes will slowly pile up just to prove we're finally done.

let's not kill the karma.

i realize i haven't been blogging at all. it's just because my mom's home and i'm full time now so i've been crazy busy.

quick recap of life: birthday was incredible, justin threw me a surprise party. and ive been chillin with my mom. thats it!

i will starting writing more.

whoooooa

a bowl with 6 layers of alternating hash and crystals from the buster = dooooooom!!!

blahhh

chase the fuckin' blues away.

ahaha

longest and most fucked up blog ever. that's okay. i haven't gotten this messed up in a while so i'm glad i did. and i'm glad i did with justin, and wanda, we had like great conversations when all 3 of us were in here, and after she leaves, me and justin still have these amazing talks. it's weird, 8 years and we never run out of shit to talk about. i love us. but you all know that.

night night!

so what you wanted me to say huh?

i am seriously toooooo fucked to even function right now. alcohol is like.. running real strong through my veins plus there's that sweet green that i smoke even when i shouldn't. i shouldn't do the two together.. especially when i come home from work with a bottle of wine and kill it before justin even gets here with other shit. justin + wanda + me = trouble! but i love it. wanda is like..... sure you know, shes my dad's girlfriend. but she's like, my good friend too. i tell her everything. some things i don't even tell me good friends. she just understands everything and has been through soooo much. it's hard for me to find people who understand me, people who have been through as much shit as i have. but she has, so we really connect. i really do love her a lot, she hooks me up and talks me through everything and honest to god cares about me and i can read it all over her, it's wonderful. yeah i'm on shit but it just means my real feelings are coming out. i can talk to her about not only my current feelings about justin and stuff, and whatever else is currently going on in my life, but also all my past shit. i can talk to her about justin, old shit and new shit, elliot, dan, blake, friends, father, mother, brother, life in general, anything. she never ever judges, she always listens full heartedly, and gives me opinions and advice. i think she is an amazing woman, and my dad is really lucky to have her. they have some problems sometimes, but even when they do i always know they will work shit out because i can see and sense the intense, crazy-passionate love they have for each other. and that's what justin and i have, and it gives me faith for when justin and i are fighting. it just doesn't matter. we will work it out. we will be crazy about each other again, you know. nothing can take it away. the stupidest things, they don't matter, we will be together, same with my daddy and wanda, they have this wild, out of control feeeling, it just glues you together forever. and i would looove to see my dad with wanda forever.

my mom is already so happy with her fiancee. most of you probably don't know but my mom and dad are still married even though they've been separated since i was 7 which was... 15 years ago... but i hope they do really get divorced, and she can marry Jerry, because even though i don't really understand why she had to go all the way up there, she's happy, she's happier than i've ever seen her in my entire life. and that means so, so, sooooo much to me. i want her to be happy, of course. even if that's miles and miles away. i'll see her once or twice a year, and i'll be damn happy with it. because she's happy. and that's all that matters. and then my dad can marry wanda, who he is obviously meant to be with. my mom and him are both amazing, fantastic, wonderful people. just, in very different ways. and that's why they never worked. but they both deserve to be happy with their own. and wanda is a perfect match for my dad, i hope they never give up on each other.

i really realize i'm babbling and i apologize, it's just that i'm so high and drunk that i can't stop talking, and justin is passed out in my bed. i was supposed to let him sleep for five minutes and then wake him up but now that he's out i don't know if i should...

i've got one more thought for the night and then i'll end this crazy long ramble...

i feel like a lot of times, i make promises i can't keep. i'm going to try and work on that. it's mostly to old friends that i haven't seen in a long time, i always tell them like, ohh we can hang out all the time, we can be best friends, i swear. i have no friends. and i mean it when i say it, but i never follow through, and then i feel like people are trying to msg me and call me and get a hold of me and i'm unavailable. i feel really guilty about it always, but it's just my nature i guess. i don't really socialize much anymore. i spend my nights with justin, which makes me happy. i hate, hate hate haaaate going a whole night without seeing him. so i go and hang out with his friends, which are all my friends anyway, so it works out perfect. but my few friends who are outside of the circle, namely leash, adam, chantal, blake... i feel like i promise more hangouts than i can fulfill. and i'm hammered righ tnow i know i'm babbling soooo bad but it's just something i think about.. i'm really really sorry to these people, it's not that i don't want to see you, ireally do. it's just that between work and justin and whatever else important things ihave to do, it's really hard to find time. and if i do find a little spare time to myself, i like to spend it alone, playing neopets or sleeping or cleaning and grocery shopping or whatever i feel like doing by myself.

anyways this has been a huuuuuge drunken ramble that i will probably laugh my ass at tomorrow and possibly delete..... so i will end it here. it's time for me to wake up justin so we can get a lil more fucked up before we pass out...

tomorrow, saturday, is my last shift with alysha rutledge before she moves away. i am going to cry like a baby when she leaves, just saying. i love the girl, to pieces to pieces to pieces. and i love wanda. and i love my dad, my brother, my family.

most of all, i really, really, crazily, intensely love my bee, my justin, my soul and love of my life. i never really put it into such blatant words publically. but how can i keep that secret. everyone knows we were each other's first love, first everything. fighting, or getting along, or anything, i always know i'm all about him, i never doubt it for even a split second. i'm living and breathing for him, and he makes me feel like i am a god. ahhhh i'm a mushball...i should actually stop.... since i've been saying i'm gonna end this for like, an hour now.



synopsis: 1: i love justin, wanda, my mom and brother and dad, and my friends, alysha and others.

2.i am fuckedddd right up, but that just means i'm talkative and truthful.




i will try not to delete this tomorrow since it's probably all real and heartfelt.

i'm gonna go wake up my boooo and have a drink and maybe a talk, maybe a snuggle and we'll see what else :) then night night time, and my last day with my best girl friend alysha rutledge :)


holy cow...... goodnight readers! sorry to put you through that!

that's a good look. better yet, a hood look.

i am seriously so happy it almost hurts. everything keeps getting better and better and better and better, i don't get it. every single day is incredible and blows my mind. i'm feeling so much love i don't even know what to do with myself. it's so different from anything i've felt before. i know i'm being all mushy and gross but like.. i dunno i'm just really stoked. i've never been so sure of something in my life, and i've never felt so loved and beautiful and important and perfect.

ahhh i could explode. <3

yee i'm tiger woods.

i feel a lot happier now. work is overwith and now i'm off for 3 days, which i'm really stoked about. tomorrow i am cleaning and hopefully it will be nice out so i can tan outside for a little bit. friday chantal is coming over to hang out with justin and i which i am stoked for, we are gonna chill here and have a few drinks and whatever. i haven't hung out with her in ages so i'm really excited. :)

saturday ashley and i are driving down to ridgetown to check out a few places and visit the college and stuff. i'm pretty sure we already know where we are going to live but we have some more things to talk out. the house is really nice that we want. :)

so in other news one of my very best friends alysha rutledge is moving away to BC for 4 months. she leaves in 2 weeks and she is coming back right when i am leaving for ridgetown, so i am going to miss her x a billion. seriously. it sucks. but it's going to be really good for her and she's going to make a lot of money and have tons of fun.

what else is there to update about... umm justin and i are planning a trip for this summer, we don't know where yet but we've been checking out lots of islands and stuff, we wanna go somewhere hot. i'm excited. we are doing so well and he makes me so happy it's like pretty ridiculous. yay :)

so okay those were all happy posts.. which is good! and i think that's all i have to say. at least for now. have a great night everyone :)

ps jessie i know youre reading this .. we gotta make a day to hang out okay? i miss you n jon.

dangerous

i get so angry that i am shaking. i fucking hate dumb bitches. i am fucking seeething.

i can feel you need me, it feels so good to meee

i am so stupidly crazy in love. last time i felt this much, was 5 years ago when i was with him. this whole thing blows my mind.

do what you feel now.

i really like getting super baked and playing neopets. it's like, the happiest, most relaxing part of my day. and i have justin behind me playing xbox so if i get bored of neopets i get to go snuggle and fall asleep. this is so much better than being at work!

open fire

so i'm sitting here playing neopets and watching justin play xbox and listening to silverchair. we just scraped our buster and smoked all the crystals and now i don't even know what is happening.

i'm excited to snuggle up and watch a movie and fall asleep. :) <3

i went out in the rain, suddenly everything changed!

i don't know, i feel disgusting. i need to like, cleanse my body. i've only smoked half a cigarette in the last 3 days so that's good, but i haven't been eating very well and i seriously smoke so much weed, my lungs don't even take full breaths in anymore hah. i just feel like i need to lose ten pounds and get a tan and teeth whitened and i'll feel a whole lot better.


you know, it's funny how when you really, really love someone, you'd do anything for them and not think twice about it. things you thought you wouldn't ever want to do but when it's making them happy, you just don't care. i feel like we are very balanced and we both do a lot for each other and try to keep each other happy. i guess that's all that matters.

wasted day

well it's almost 2:30 and i pretty much just crawled out of bed. justin is still sleeping beside me. he didn't get home till almost 3 and was hammered when he got here and we ended up staying up till almost 6:00am. he said lots of really nice things that made me happy even though he was probably just saying them because he was hammered haha. they were still nice things to hear. so yes the day has been wasted but at least i had a good night with him, we needed to spend that time together.

so now i pretty much have to get ready and go to work. and my night is looking a lot like more getting high alone and playing Forza 3, which i was kicking ass at last night until i fell asleep.

have a good day people!

when you miss me, just remember that i always gotcha with me.

i feel better now. working took my mind off of being sad. also i found out when i got there that my pay was way higher than i thought it would be, that i got a raise, and that i'm going to be full time starting next month. so that all cheered me up a bunch.

i smoked a joint on my walk home and now i'm going to play xbox because justin rented Forza 3 for me since he is busy and won't really be around over the next few days. he is coming here to sleep with me tho because he knows that i am pathetic and cannot sleep without him haha. so he is gone out for a few drinks with the boys right now and will come crawl in bed with me later. :)

leash wanted me to go out tonight and i was going to but then the timing didn't really work out and whatever so i'm just going to smoke and play xbox and maybe eat some KD and get some sleep till my boy gets here. :)

night night everyone!

ugh

omg i am depressed as shit i just want to melt into the floor and die.

gettin real tired.

justin was supposed to be here a long time ago and i'm making myself stay awake because i want to see him but i've smoked so much tonight so i'm getting really sleepy and my eyes are burning really badly.

my house has a huge cloud of anger and depression hanging over it today and it's been raining all over me all day. i don't even really have anything wrong but i'm depressed anyway because that's the mood in my house.

whenever i blog when i'm stoned i'm not sure if people are going to understand what i'm trying to say, but i guess that doesn't really matter.

red n green

i have red wine and a huge bag of weed sitting on my desk and i just rolled a nice joint and smoked it. i feel happy about all of the above. i'm not even sad anymore.

i always listen to different things depending on my mood. earlier i was listening to all these sad songs. then i get high and listen to fun happy ghetto music haha. and i feel a lot better.

true love is cruel love, my heart overfloods

it's one of those days, again. i am drinking red wine and smoking a lot of cigarettes, my hair is in a ponytail, i'm still in pajamas and i am wearing last nights makeup. i'm cleaning and organizing my bathroom while singing sad songs by the Cardigans. when i'm done i'm going to run a bubble bath in the jacuzzi and soak up my sorrows until justin gets here to make it all better again.



and then you kissed me, and it hit me really hard.

such a pretty smile, such a shame the things you hide behind it.

sometimes i just need to smoke a joint. i feel better now, now i can just chill and stop freakin' out.

i used to hate it but i dont know if i can ever stop now. my life is honestly better now that i do this all the time again, i mean i'm in a better place emotionally.

it's a temporary solution for depression.

you must have been soo high.

i always know it'll be over soon. it just fucking sucks.

sigh.

i don't even know what to feel today. i'm happy and sad and angry. everything just seems to be going wrong. one of those days.

oh well.


*like, so angry and sad that my stomach feels sick and i might throw up. fuck.

just keep living

thank god for the people who love me.

i have so much hate in me toward some people, but it's balanced out by all the love i feel for the people who matter.

yin and yang.

more easter details!

well now i have a little more time, dinner is over and justin is playing xbox so i'm just chillin.

woke up this morning at 7:30 (the kids had me up) did the whole easter morning thing, showered and got ready and what not all while justin slept because he's a sleepyhead. woke him up and we did some running around, fed the animals at my work, cruised in the bmw for a bit with con and burned a blunt, then visited his aunt's house where i met his aunt and uncle and grandparents who were all very friendly and seemed to like me :) then came back to my house and had dinner and that brings us to now.

i'm happy. i really like how things have been going the last few months. i'm not sure if i've ever felt this content in my life. i have my life back. i have the greatest best friend. and i'm with my family again. the weather is beautiful and my mom will be home soon. i'm starting a future for myself, i have a solid life plan again and this time my person is a lot more compatible. maybe i'm a dreamer but i just feel really strongly that everything will fall into place, and that makes my heart really happy. :)

bunnyyyy day!

easter morning + blunts = love haha

and i smell your cologne in the aaaaaair

toooo fucked for life. my thoughts of the day are as follows:

1. i really like cars

2. i really like my boy

3. i really like drinking

4. i really like my life.

5. i don't have many close friends but the 2 that i do have, are more than enough for me. and fuck everyone else who doesn't care about me. :)

that is all :)

swagg up it's bright one blade it's tight!

i made soo many cupcakes today. i'm gonna bring some to work, send some to justin's house, and keep some here for my family. i love making cupcakes, i think i'm gonna bring some to the clinic today too to say thank you for all their help, they played a huge part in helping me get into Ridgetown.

tonight i'm cruisin with my boy in the beamer. christening sesh. i love my life.

lemme upgraaade you.

i'm on like, a beyonce kick ahaha.

my boy bought the beamer he picks it up tomorrow.

we're high level, not eye level ;)

umm

so i owe for my stupid fucking taxes again!!! fucking fucking fuck. i can't get ahead. ever. i need fucking money. ugh goddamnit.

on the bright side.... very soon i'm going to be living in a ballin black BMW 325i instead of a blue civic. ;)


life evens itself out i guess.

cleeean

justin cleaned my room today. ahah :) it's so much nicer now. what a sweetheart. thanks love :)

old people

so justin and i fell asleep at 9:00 last night ahah. the band left and we just passed right out and then woke up at 8:00 this morning. his mom was like, you guys are old people haha. that's okay i had a great sleep, justin's bed is way comfier than mine i dont know why we don't sleep here more often. now i feel all relaxed and refreshed and ready to get craaazzy tonight!! i have to work 11-6:15 so i have to get ready before work and i don't even know how i'm getting there because justin's gonna be there at like one. hmm. anyways i am blabbing again because justin's in the shower but i'm gonna go crawl back into his bed where it's very warm and comfortable :)

everyone come party with me tonight! :)

story of your life

well, i am sitting at justin's house watching my own private headshot show. ie. band practice haha so i thought i'd write in here.

well, i got accepted into the University of Guelph - Ridgetown Campus for the Veterinary Technology program. i am proud of myself but it took me a little while to be happy about it. the first thing i did was bawl my eyes out. i really cried so hard because this means i am for sure leaving and that kind of sucks, because now i'm actually happy here. leaving behind the best thing i have. but obviously i have to go, i have to put my goals in front of everything else or i'll regret it forever. so now i'm excited, i have faith in justin and i because we are a pretty lovely team. school will be fun and when i'm finished, i can help sick cows get better for the rest of my life and be happy.

anyways... tonight after they are done practicing justin and i are going to a friends house because some people are going there i guess. i dont even care what i do tonight it's tomorrow i'm excited for! Headshot show in welland, it's gonna be so much fun i'm gonna party till i die.

oh yeah.. last night justin destroyed his car. it sucked. we backed into an invisible car. seriously. it sounds impossible but like this car was a dark colour hiding under a tree with no light whatsoever on it and it was invisible because the back window is really darkly tinted. luckily it was our friends grandmas car and they were really cool about it, but now justin has to pay to fix their car AND his which is pretty messed up, i'm gonna take some pictures of it tonight so they'll be on facebook probably later or tomorrow.

anyways i'm babbling about random things just because i'm just sitting here doing nothing so i'm gonna stop... peace! i hope everyone's weekend is as good as mine is gonna be!


ps. headshot sounds good even in a basement.

yay

i'm pretty good at getting sad but i'm pretty good at finding ways to make it better. i'm better now.

today i'm going to pretty much do nothing and then i'm gonna go to work. i just want the weekend to come now, huge paycheck + headshot show = party. then sunday i wanna hit White Haut to see LMT, if i'm feelin deec from saturday night then Justin and I are gonna go with my dad and Wanda.

school sent my letter to the wrong house so now i have to wait all over again, i'm going to have a heart attack. ugh.

anyways back to sleep now. justin and i went to bed pretty early last night but we got up at like 4 and stayed up till like 5 then slept till 7:30 so i'm tired still. night night people have a good day.

fuckkkkkkk everything today. seriously.

huh?

is it inappropriate to brag about your sex life?


questions and comments in regards to any of my blog entries can be sent to my inbox on facebook! =)

hmm

my room is coming along, actually.

tummmyy acchee

barely made it in to work today.. but i forced myself because i already cut 7 hours yesterday because i left early. as the day went on i started to feel better. now i have a tummy ache but other than that i feel a lot better. i came home after work and my dad helped me build my desk finally, i've been putting it off because it's in a million pieces but i really can't sit on the floor with my lap top anymore. soon i am going to leash's to watch girly movies and eat gummy bears.

justin is staying in toronto for the night again. mannn do i ever miss him. that's a good thing i guess, it's going to be nice to see him tomorrow. anyways my dad's back so i'm going to finish that desk. ta ta.

woww

i found some old journals. like really old. with a lot of my writing in them. i was so dark then. i don't remember writing these and it's hard to believe i did. i'll post some of it for fun. don't judge.

1. everyone is so ugly. your hunched backs and your heavy lidded, sleepy eyes. your crooked hair cuts and stupid grins. the holes in your clothes speak like dirty, open mouths. you mistake my disdainful glances for interest. i conceive of the idea that possibly, there is more to you. somewhere. i quickly disregard it. you're nothing. a waste of flesh. (how full of hate was i?)

2. you feel like home. but i'm still alone. my guts begin to twist and i yearn to not exist. when the day is through and i'm lying next to you, the solitude sets in, my heart is wearing thin. everything was set, before we even met. an indestructible force and i cannot change its course. the sadness is stagnant within my mind. my will is still to search and destroy. i long to be distracted and free from my fears, this thing that's haunted me for so many years. i can only stay still and cry, wanting only to lay down and die. happiness isn't something that can be taught, this sadness steals my every thought. (how depressed was i?)

3. dishes diapers garbage
steal lie
love
kiss fuck
i hate you
disgusting dirty
immobile
fuck you
scream yell scare
angry walls
close
around me
hug cry fuck
mess up
cycle
beg plead
let me go
let go
silence
curse sleep
i hate you
really.

that one just about sums up my relationship with elliot i believe.

4. absolute devastation. no matter how deep. an unmatchable love. hate. bombarded with regret. eat my secrets. swallow my disgust. never my pride. imagery. unbelievable beauty flooded with falsehood. choke on vanity, deserve it. a serious sadness. camouflaged. conceal myself. can hollow people fall in love? erase mistakes, never face them. silence, never speak. stay cold and make it through. 100% human. mortal. immaculate feelings argued by a lack of compassion. control. digging will kill me. body, mind, heart. i dropped it. don't ask, i won't lie.

i don't remember what that was about.

5. in the end.. whatever happens.. i'll still be beautiful. there will be people i can force to care for me. my mother will love me. i'll have a few friends. and things will never change. i will always be sad. i will always cry at night. and i'll always be beautiful.

i don't even know.. these journals are sooo depressing. i forgot how sad i was back then. it easily comes back when i read these, more specifically the ones i'm not posting on here because i don't want people to know i'm completely crazy.

last night i didn't get to see justin because he was asleep by the time i got off work, and tonight he is in toronto for a basketball game and partying with some friends. i am missing him prettty badly. i don't get to see him until sunday because he has something or other to do tomorrow. i'm such a baby. i gotta learn to not be so needy. like i can't even handle 3 nights apart without getting whiny? pathetic. i gotta control it haha.

anyways i am not feeling well so it's off to bed for me.. ta ta.

get em tiger

i'm always wanting more. i'm never satisfied. i'm convinced i'm always going to want more out of life than i'm going to get. i can't get enough.

greeeen today

wellll it's finally st. patricks day! my favourite holiday of the year. Justin and I are gonna hit up L3 and get reallll fucked up. I'm stoked. i gotta work till 9 though. come onnnnnn 9:00.

do do do

justin fell asleep and now my life is really boring. facebook is soo boring why are we all so addicted to it? like .. its not amusing me whatsoever. boo.

grips and tonic is good

i made justin cookies today because.. well i won't say but he did something real nice for me and deserved cookies. i'm a sweetheart.

tonight... chillin.

thinking

so after work today i went to the pen with justin to send my phone away to get fixed. i got a really dumb loaner phone that i hate.

when we came out we smoked a joint before the drive home. we were cruisin on the highway, high as a kite, heavy music blaring, and i was just thinking to myself, im really happy right now. i love being high and driving. the sunset was really pretty and i just felt really content for some reason and i tried to burn the moment into my brain so i can remember when i'm really depressed that i can feel that happy. i can be low as low can be, and i want to remember that i can always feel happy again.

it's probably just the weed talking but that was my revelation of the day. :)

:)

I'm really stoked on life. Just sayin.

daybreak

I have to say, after that big storm of depression, I have felt amazing for the last 2 days. The problems are worked out and I'm currently feeling happy right down to my core. So happy it gives me shivers :) haha okay I'm done.

Tonight I'm going to see my long lost cousin :) then going to see LMT with my dad, Wanda and Justin, I'm really excited! I love partying with my parents and my boy together haha it's always a good time. Tomorrow I am off and so is Justin so we can sleep in, which we hardly ever get to go.

It's going to be a good weekend :) have fun kids!

7

i feel a little better today, aside from my pounding red wine headache. but the night was wonderful, in the end. i'm happy he came.

fuck my life. im going to sleep and hope everythings better when i wake up.

go ahead. you know you want it.

well life just throws you around doesn't it? everything is confusing but i'm just gonna sit back and not worry about it. whatever happens happens. i can live through just about anything i think. i find out next week about Ridgetown. if i dont get in, i dont know what ill do. i might want to run away. we'll see where ever life decides to bring me.

today i'm off, i'm gonna jump in the shower and go out for a while. i need out of this room!

my mom is mad because i get fucked up too much haha. ohh motherss.

the end! have a good day.

ohh

i'm crazy haha. what the hell.


gettin my wine on tonight.

not alright

well i feel 14 and 15 and 16 again, x10, does that make me 150 years old? i feel like it. i care a lot more. i get by but not without effort. i have 12 different outlooks on life. there are easy but unhealthy ways of dealing with things and lately i've been choosing them. i look back and i don't even know how i got here. time passed me by. i've made a lot of bad decisions. i act from passion and not reason. i don't know if that's good or bad. i guess it's neither. on one hand, i can't believe how much my life has changed. and on the other hand, everything is exactly the same. i feel like i've taken several steps backwards, in so many ways. so, so many ways. for the first time in years i feel like giving up again. i won't of course, i've still got fight left in me. but i'm hanging by a thread and trying really hard to keep it all together. this is really personal and i don't really know why i'm posting it because i know lots of people are reading it that don't care about me and it's none of their business but i guess it just doesn't matter, i just don't care who knows what about me anymore. yes i am weak too. i am breaking a little, i don't feel i have strength enough to do anything today. i know this will pass. but right now i'm thinking, it would be so easy to just go back to how i used to be. not care about anything, not worry about the future, just party and not worry about tomorrow. get fucked up and not worry about anything, ever. that's such a shitty way to be. but it's so much easier. i don't know. i need some sort of release, i don't even know what to do with myself. i don't even know what else to say. i just want it to pass, i can't wait for it to pass.

...

your love it means so much, break away. your smile, your face, light shines through. i'm making plans to drink away all these words i can't escape. i have to try to make you stay, because i'm alone. stay with me this time. because what i'm feeling inside, i'm troubled or maybe i'm blind, but i just can't see how this is helping me. why couldn't i see that you were leaving? because i'm alone. i need someone to be my friend. but i can't take anyone who can't stay until the end. because i'm alone. friend you've done me wrong, there's an end to you and me, because a friend can understand that there's no trust to be had. you're just bouncing on your strings, a puppet on a screen. i'm not sure when you left. there's no chance we'll get there in time, we were lost and stuck together, we were lost with ourselves, and we were lost with each other. where's this place we need to be? your heart is just another road, another place that i can't go. arm outstretched, point and glare. watching the love fall to our feet and into the floor to disappear. we're finding faults. when you kissed her, when you didn't care. it all breaks, disintegrates. well this is the last thing i'll take. i can't face you now. this is the end, there's nothing to keep. you said it was gold, it should've been gold. but this thing we have made, it can't stop, no it won't stop. i get the feeling that i'm sinking in you. your hands go through me as i'm trying to think back on a better time. you'd not know me right now, you'd think i was wanting to drown. pouring out my heart, and pouring one more drink to keep things calm. because i think i've hit the brink,and this is all i can take to keep going on. i'm tired of waiting in this hollow state, pushing aside things i wanna say. its taken my all to get out of bed, pouring a drink to feel myself dead. i'm working it out. i feel so many things all at once. i hope this letter gets read, if just only once. because what i feel inside, i don't want to hide, it's you that's got to me. i've got a dream for us running through my mind. sitting on the beach, looking at the sea. we are old and tired, and time has made us smile. and we're not the only ones, there's hundreds on the shore, looking at the sea. but it's just you and me. if the day never comes, i'll sink beneath the tide. will you still be with me? and disappear?

it can't stop, no it won't stop

chill night. worked, saw a movie. it was cute and made me love love for a little while. wanted to hit up merchant but didn't. i'm at home now, i'm going to sleep alone tonight for the first time in a very long while. i don't think i'll sleep much.

i think i'm too ... what's the word. full of empathy. i can too easily imagine how other people are feeling, and then when i see bad things happen to other people, i get depressed about it.

i'm smoking cigarettes and singing sad songs. once in a while i just need a lonely night like this.

tomorrow i'll get drunk and be happy.

shove her over railing

i never blog anymore, i'm always busy. this is the first time in so long that i'm even using my own lap top, i always use justin's now.

well, same old. i've been partying. i think i'm going to cancel my Rusk show because i have too much to do. tomorrow i am packing. im moving so soon and im so not ready. i also have to study for this test im writing at ridgetown a week from tomorrow.

on the bright side, i got accepted to st. clair, which was my second choice. its 5 hours away. ugghhh.

i just dont wanna leave now, now that i have something to leave behind. or someone i should say. but i have to. so it sucks. siiiigh.

tonight justin's coming here, i don't really know what we're doing. probably stay in, we are both tired and stressed. i could use some release if you know what i'm sayinnn.

i hung out with blake for a bit today again, i'm going with him to justin's cd release on friday. whatever happens it's going to be a good night. i just have a feeling.

anyways im going to go shower now and get ready so i can be pretty. i like to be pretty. it makes me happy.

theeeee end.

eyes on fiiiire

i just got home from work and i'm cold. when i can feel my body again i'm going to shower and get ready. justin and i are going to return all my empties because i have like 5 million. then buying alcohol and drinking it, i dont really know what we are doing, hanging out with reece and them, i dont care what happens tonight i just wanna drink haha.

i'm very happy right now. i like my life and the way things are going. i feel like february is flying by though and i have a lot to do.

i did a kinda racy photoshoot last night and i'm excited to see the results haha.

i'm eating timbits for dinner. ohh well. not much to say today, or i'm too lazy to say it all right now. i hope everyone has a good weekend and a happy valentine's day ;) i know i willll! :)

=)

its bed time and im not alone. i love this.

yeppp

classy party. me tony bryan justin and ryan. we look soo class. and drinkin. this is fun. i like life. :)

had the worst day ever, just one of those days where everything went wrong. but its all good now, i gotta glass full of vodka and frozen fruit, it makes everything all better.


<3

ughh

i procrastinate so bad. i need to be cleaning for my party tomorrow and instead i'm eating plain raw vegetables and browsing the latest fashion news. there is a new brand that is coming soon called So-So Happy and i can't WAIT for it to actually exist so i can buy the entire line.

tony and i made so much yummy food today. lindsay came and helped us for a little bit too. we have fruit skewers, a veggie tray, these yummy stuffed potato things with yams that tony made, 72 amazingly colourful cupcakes that i made, aaaand actually i think thats all. but its good. i love how my cupcakes turned out there are so many colours! and cherries and kisses on top. :)

anyways i have no energy to do anything so i'm giving up and going to sleep. goooodnight.


ps i had a really good, relaxed night with justin last night. i am in love with the fact that we made up and are getting along so well now, things are even better than they were before.

also i hung out with blake a couple days ago and it was actually not weird at all and we had a great conversation, he wanted to hang out tonight too but i was busy with tony. i'm glad we are good friends still.

the end, for real.

quick update!

the last couple weeks has been party party party. last night i went to like 6 different bars with leash but no one was really out so i went to some crazy dudes house with justin, james and reece and got completely ridiculous. came home and passed right out.

justin and i got in a bad fight and didn't talk for like.. i guess it was only a few days but it seemed like wayy longer. i neeeed my best friend. we got everything all talked out and things feel so much better now.

i've got weird situations going on, i've almost got everything all sorted out. i think i know what i want.

tonight i'm going to do some running around with justin and then we're gonna chill and watch movies. tomorrow i am making appetizers with tony for our party. and saturday is our party! i have a sweeet dress to wear for it i can't wait to get all prettied up.

i gotta clean my house now. peace !

.....

wow sooo much has happened. i haven't had time to post i've been crazy busy. i dont feel like it right now but a lot of bad stuff happened and a lot of good stuff too.

everything is crazy. i hate all boys and i just want to get drunk with alycia forever. this is my state of mind for the day. maybe later ill get the ambition to include more details but for now, nope.

=)

soo it's 1:45 am and i have to be at work in 6 hours but i just got home from my tea date with adam.. it was the perfect end to a really great day that i had today!! we used to be really close friends i can't believe we went so long without hanging out.. it felt just like old times and we had a great conversation and he looks really good and i was just happy to be there the whole time. it sucked ending the night but i have stupid work.. we are going to hang out again on tuesday tho so i'm excited for that! we decided to become best friends again because.. well we can, and we should. so thats a happy thing thats happening. :)

on another note... i get to do another Rusk show =D i'm so incredibly stoked! i love doing this modelling stuff it's just a huge boost to the self esteem, and also i get my hair done by these amazing crazy professional salon people. i'm stoked on life today. i just love everything. i wish every day could be like today! :)

that's about all i have to say for now because i'm half asleep so i'm going to bed.. work 8-5 tomorrow then going to dave's for a few drinks, then heading downtown to merchant ale house and a few other places i guess with some of dave's friends. i'm excited because dave always comes here and now i get to go meet his friends.

i feel like maybe nothing i wrote up there makes much sense but i'm tired and just wanted to spit it out.. so until next time loyal readers (which are far more people than i thought!) goodnight! :) i hope you all feel as happy as i do right now!

appleseed cast - innocent vigilant ordinary

"oh, no," i said
i think about the times
the way you smile at me
and how we always kiss

and how we drank the sun
and killed the night
and fought the sleep and won
and how we left it all unmade

it was only once

now there's more than one
no, there's only one
now there's more than one
you're the only one
you're the only one
you're the only one

it's good to see
that you are doing well
and well enough to be
laughing here with me

'cause what we did
there's no excuse for it
you know i love you so
and i'd love to know what i did

it was only once

i want you to know
that i will always love you
and always be your friend
and never leave you again

the past is past
it's now, so we can go
and we can move ahead
i hope this letter gets read

if just only once

i love milo

he's the sweetest cat. i love him so much it's ridiculous. he can never die or i'll die!


i thought i was doing nothing tonight, but i was texting Dave and said i was bored and he said, want me to come take you somewhere? which is pretty cool because he's willing to come from st. catharines just to alleviate my boredom.. i told him to just come and watch a movie. so that's what we're going to do.

so i'm going to go eat some salad and then do that. i'm off tomorrow, i like being off. gym in the morning then who knows, tea date with adam tomorrow night.

peace !

people

once in a while in life, you come across someone really wicked. someone who is actually a good person through and through. i think i found someone like that. i just don't seem to have room in my heart right now.

i was just all sad and justin just called and made me laugh in a matter of 2 seconds, he is the best person to talk about my problems to, he has a weird way of making it better that no one else does. like a unique way. it's good for me because his mind set keeps him from getting hurt and he is sort of like, training me to be like that haha. the more time i spend with him the more i don't care about anything. i don't know if that's right but it feels good.

bubble bath till he gets here and then back to the couch for movie night.

you can't mean it twice

Yesterday I worked 7:30 - 5. I felt fine all day, tired, but fine. Roxanne met me at work so we could do some running around for Kitty Cat Keep, and then we went and did some grocery shopping together. While we were walking around I started to have a tummy ache a bit. I got home a little before 8, and by 8 I was throwing up and felt like I was dying. I threw up once or twice an hour for the rest of the night until about 7 this morning. Now I don't feel that sick anymore but my whole body is really achy. I'm also freezing. I was alone last night and I hate being alone when I'm sick, Justin called me twice because he wanted to come and take care of me but I was passed out when he called and I called him back but he was passed out so no one took care of me :( haha.

Today I have been listening to the same song over and over. It's by a band called Loyalist and the song is called You Can't Mean It Twice. Dave showed it to me when he was here the other night, he has the best taste in music and always knows what I'm going to love. Dave also does backup vocals on this song that I'm loving. I'm finding parts of the lyrics very relatable. Here they are:


i'm trying to be good, your hand fits like a glove in just the way i knew it would, i've been busy losing everything i've got trying to impress you when i've only come to know you as a first name and inital as i played the devil's music.

i got that feeling in my gut where i know that somethings wrong with me, i just cant shake it off, and you're no good at pretending. breathing heavy on your back, let's just get on with this routine. you're trying to be honest but it's just not making sense to me.

you found me out, go spill my secrets. shed your stupid tattoos, none of your friends believe them and i lost touch with god, now i can't get away with anything while we're out on the front, still fighting for our privacy.

as you're pulling off your dress, that look kills spirits and intentions. and a crush i shouldn't have, but i do so many stupid things that something bad is bound to happen. i could be anything at all, but this is one thing i can't have.

all my best attempts to win you back did nothing, but i've never been content, i had a lot of fight still left in me. those days when we got hurtful, and you got boring in bed, right before we just stopped talking 'cause everything had all been said.

so let me start again, i think i made the wrong impression and i hate wondering if i did. i became a new professional, contagious with resentment. you said, "don't let it overtake you..." but babe, i think i let it.

*dave sings ooooohs in his amazing voice*

but you can't mean it twice, but you can make it right if you want to.

so wake up. i need a miracle if i'm supposed to wake up.

you're not allowed to stay in my bed, and tell me you're happy, and then leave the next day and say it was nothing, no.

so wait up, i thought i could but i know i can't keep this pace up.

you're not allowed to touch me like that and kiss me in that fashion just to keep me in your pocket and then say nothing happened.

don't say nothing happened.



Hmmm story of my life just a little bit! Some parts anyways. Jess I know you're reading this and I think you will like these two songs, the one I just wrote about and another one by the same band called I Shot Somebody. Go to http://www.myspace.com/loyalistcanada give it a listen. The band doesn't even exist anymore, it's a shame.

Anyways, I'm off today so I'm sitting around for the day, if I can work up the energy I'm going to clean up the house a bit. Later tonight Justin's going to come and spend the night. I like it because it's so comfortable that if I'm sick and throwing up and look like a dirtbag I don't care if he sees haha. That's why I chose him to hang out with tonight. I want to watch Sin City again, he always lets me pick the movie so that's most likely what we'll end up doing, and depending on my tummy, maybe we'll eat some fruit salad and drink juice. I don't think I'll be getting high tonight because I just don't feel like it.

And there are my thoughts for the day, I've been posting huge lately.
Have a good day blog readers!

updaate*

Okay so I have a little bit of time here, I'm pretty tired so I'll try to make it quick. Also I'm freezing and want to get back to my couch and blankets. AND I'm watching Sin City which is my favourite movie, I could watch it every day it's so violent and sexy.

So Friday night Dave came over and drank a bottle of wine with me before we hit up Vice Lounge for Rob's 30th birthday. We planned on just going for a little bit and then hitting up the strip club because I've never been! But we were having a lot of fun at vice so we ended up staying there for the night. Rob was wasted, my friend Jen was there she was wasted too, it was hilarious. I made new friends and also saw some people I know from the gym and one of the dudes bought me a drink and a shot of tequila so I sat and chatted with him for a while. (*Pause: This has taken me like an hour to write because I keep getting distracted by the movie!) Anyways it was a lot of fun, Dave and I went to BK after because I need veggie burgers when I'm drunk and there were these 3 guys there from Jamaica. They were hitting on me soo bad and it was so fucking funny, they actually were calling me "shorty" and "white girl" and said I have swagger, haha. Then the one told Dave he looked like Marilyn Manson (which is a wild mystery to me) and asked us to teach him how to get a white girl like me. He said to Dave, "Maybe I gotta grow out ma hurrr like yours" yes he actually kept pronouncing it "hurr." I forget what else they were saying but it was hilarious, he told Dave to get two engagement rings on me if he wants to keep me haha because we pretended we were dating so the dudes would sort of leave me alone. Anyways it was a really fun night, I went home and passed right out I was hammered.

So that meant I didn't feel like doing much last night. I told my dad I would maybe go for some drinks with him but I really didn't feel like drinking. I was supposed to hang out with Justin and talk out our little snag but I locked myself out of my house, so I called him to say not to come over because I was just going to have to go to my dad's until Blake got back from Toronto with my spare key. I really have to get that back from him. Justin told me to stay at work and he would come get me and we would find a way in. I was skeptical but trusted him and he climbed through one of my windows and saved my life. I was scared of how easy it was to break it so he showed me how to lock the window. I am seriously stupid and don't know what I would do without him around. So the night was salvaged, we smoked lungs and I got really stoned and couldn't even speak really. We watched Scarface but I didn't take any of it in because my mind was wandering everywhere. We actually didn't end up talking anything out really, I said to him, "I want to tell you things but don't know how to say it." And he said, "Don't worry about it." And then everything was good. I feel, ten hundred thousand million times better. I really have come to need and depend on Justin again, very much so. He just makes my life happy and comfortable and fun, he straightens out my head when I need it, he puts things in perspective for me and is a really good listener and always has great feedback. In some way I love him still, so I love that we are such good friends and can hang out all the time now. He stayed the night with me and all was well in the world.

Another piece of noteworthy news is that Alysha got back from Florida yesterday! I was so happy to talk to her and I can't wait to see her, I missed her like crrazy and we have soo much to catch up on.

Today I worked all day and then went to the gym and had a really good workout, then came here to my dad's and now I'm doing laundry. I should get some sleep because I have to work at 7:30 in the morning. Booo.

That was a long update! Goodnight blog readers! Sleep well knowing that all is happy in my life at the moment! :)

quickiee

i have lots to say but dont feel like sitting on here right now so i'll probably post tomorrow night all my news.

i like locking myself out of my house. justin climbed through my window what would i do without him.

best friend is here, stoked on life right now :) getting high, watching scarface, eating cookies, i love it. <3 all for now!

all that matters

dear best friend

i'm sorry everything got stupid and weird. i love you and i want things back how they were. :( <3

hmm

welll that was a pleasant post. i shouldn't drink when i'm sad or angry haha but i do anyways.

wednesday night i went out with alycia, marcus and tim, we had a good drunk fun hilarious time, and ate amazing BK veggie burgers. well i did. BK veggie burgers are my favourite thing when i'm drunk.

last night dave came here for a little then we went to will's for a couple beers with a few people, then we all headed out to cheers and drank more and i actually got really drunk last night. but it was fun i had a good time.

tonight dave's coming here again then we are getting all fancied up to go out for Rob's 30th at the Vice Lounge, then we are hittin up the rips haha which i'm kinda stoked about because i'm gonna be 22 soon and i've never been to a strip club. so yeah that should be fun.

i'm gonna take it easy on the drinking tonight i think, i'm still not feeling too well from last night so i'll probably just have one or two to be social but keep it in control haha. tomorrow night i'm also supposed to go out with my dad and wanda. fuckk like i keep saying i'm gonna chill on the partying but every night there is something to do and i can't seem to turn any of it down haha.

ahh well i'm excited for tonight, i'm excited to spend a long time getting all prettied up and for once wear some slightly skanky clothes and be allowed to and not feel bad. i just wanna feel amazingly gorgeous tonight. :)

ugh

fucking word vomit. i ruin everything. if something is going well i wreck it.

dave wants me to go out tonight, i kept flip flopping whether i'd go or not, i am already drinking i might as well just go out and get fucking wasted and regret it tomorrow when i'm working at 8:30.

fuck

fuckkk.

nothing is ever easy. :(

:)

i slept sooo well last night. after like a week of not sleeping, getting high before bed, and having someone there with me, it felt like the best sleep i've had in months. i feel good and happy today.

work 11:30 to 8 and then gym tonight. peace!

sleepless

it's been a crazy couple of nights, i like haven't slept at all. right now i'm listening to a song called Miles Away on repeat and have been for like an hour, i can't get enough of it. it's by Sleep the Season which is Dave's band that isn't a band anymore... Dave's voice for real gives me goosebumps it's so nice. i love singing this song but i doubt i sound as good as he does haha.

last night after work Dave took me out for dinner. we went to the Flying Saucer because we are awesome. we were going to go to yuk yuks after but i told him i didn't want to be out late because i was tired from the night before. so we decided to go to our friend will's for a beer and then i could come home and sleep. well.. we got talking, and drinking, then everyone else had left or went to bed and it was just us and we had this really wicked conversation, and before i knew it, it was 6:00am. so much for not being out late. i was dead tired at work all day but i'm glad i went, i love getting to know new people and trading life stories, i love new friends.

tonight i am reeeal sleepy so justin is coming to keep me company for my lazy sleepy night. i'm in pajamas with wet hair from my shower curled up on the couch. i'm staying like this till bed time.

i bought a dvd player today. that's all my news.

goodnight blog readers!

i thought i was a fool for no one, but ohh baby i'm a fool for you!

worrrk at 1:30 i gotta start walking in like 5 mins and i'm in pajamas. fucckk i procrastinate soo bad. drinks again tonight with tony ! haha life is fun now.

one more thing

I forgot to say ... not only are girls slutbags, they are psycho bitches!! Hahaha like I can't believe how fucking psycho. I love it. Now I get to fuck people up haha I win!

a good night, the best in a long time.

So the other night was really fun when everyone came over. We all got really drunk and just had a really good night. We drank till 6:30 in the morning, Bryan and Tony slept here. Bryan went home in the morning and me and Tony chilled for most of the day, he helped me clean up and gather the ridiculous amount of bottles and cans which are still all over my kitchen counter haha I really, really need to do an empties run!

Last night I had to work till 9 so Justin came there and then we came home and had a chill night which actually was intensely fun, for some reason. He woke up to go to work this morning and I couldn't sleep after that so here I am, I just cooked pasta for some reason haha now I am doing this and then I'm going to try to go back to sleep. I work 1:30 to 9:15 today and then hopefully going to the gym after, I haven't been in a few days and it's killing me! I feel like I need to go burn some calories. I'm starting to feel very comfortable with my body, I feel attractive most of the time.

Aaaanyways that's about all that's happening in my life at the moment. Until next time blog readers!

core happiness

I've moved on to uh, bigger and better things.


I'm starting to feel happiness right down to my bones. When I sleep at home, even if no one's here sleeping with me, I'm fine. I don't cry, I don't even have to try to control the urge to cry because there isn't one. I'm so incredibly free and happy, I feel like I could fly away. I'm that light hearted.

Tonight I'm getting drunk with Lindsay, Bryce, Chris, Tony, Ryan, Amber, and Pete. I'm excited, it's going to be fun. I love hanging out with old friends that I haven't seen in a long time.

For now I'm going to tidy up a bit, though my house is already pretty clean. I just need to sweep the floors. And then I'm going to eat some food, and drink some alcohol. :)

Apology in advance if I happen to write some drunken thing later haha. Have a good night people!

terrible liars, passionate lovers

See, we don't give a fuck about you.


I feel like I can't trust anyone. I'm always finding shit out, I'm always seeing shit, hearing shit, people are always talking talking talking talking it's like a buzz in my ears that never goes away.

We don't give a fuck about you.

i choose to live

I guess a lot more people read this than I thought. It's in my nature to not censor anything, because I don't care who knows what about my life. I have nothing to hide. I'm going to start being a little more careful though, because not everything is only mine to tell.

I feel like I set myself up for every bad thing that happens to me. I need to learn how to avoid this. I need to do something, one specific thing, and I really don't want to do it, which is exactly why I need to.

People are always constantly searching for mates. It's like, in our genetic makeup I suppose. But I feel like now that I'm single, I have to be careful about what I let people think. I don't want anyone to think I'm interested but I think I give off that vibe sometimes. I don't want to date anyone. I don't want to be with anyone. I want to be with myself. I want to take the fuck off and get out of here. I want to have fun with my friends and sleep with my best friend and no one else, ever. Which is not to say I want to be with him, it just means I want to sleep with him. And no one seems to understand that. Everyone is talking. Evvvveryone is talking. Everyone is always talking.

My thoughts and feelings are everywhere. I'm a little messy inside right now. I'm drinking alone.

Tomorrow night I'm going to drink at Stephie's house with Tanya. Wine and girls is always the best combination. Wednesday night Lindsay, Tony, Chris Fisher, Bryce, and possibly Amber are coming over to drink here. Then I work every day for like, ever.

Right now the alcohol is getting to me and I need to go to bed. I hope Milo sleeps with me tonight, he has been lately, since Blake's been gone. It's like he knows I can't sleep alone.

:)

i dont even know whats happening in my life right now! hahaha all i know is i really like bananas today. and giant water bottles.

i'm watching justin play xbox. this is my life now. haha

L3 soon :) i get to see ryan grant. so so so stoked. then some dudes house.

peaaace!

chillln

listening to some gangster music with bff fossyy.

1. smoke
2. drink
3. smoke more

excited for the night!

come back to me awhile

it's been this way since Christmas day

dazzled, and doused in gin. changing my taste in men. changing my style again. waiting for the day to end.




THINGS TO DO

1. get hurr did. i want something new and crazy. maybe some crazy layers and bangs.
2. get drums tattooed on my ribs. like a huge tattoo.
3. get really skinny
4. rock at life
5. get some sleep

i never sleep

I'm not going to change the way I look

or the way I feel

to conform to anything.

I've always been a freak so
I've been a freak all my life and

I have to live with that, you know.

I'm one of those people.

-John Lennon



I feel like this. I feel free to look however I want, wear whatever I want, tattoo my whole body no matter how many people hate it. I love it, I love to feel pretty. Tattoos and make up make me feel pretty, so that's how I roll.

John Lennon was a smart man.

i'm cold to my bones

I slept at my dad's again last night. I woke up today around like noon haha, lazed around pretty much, then showered and got ready for work and went there. Then I went to the gym and worked out which felt good because I've been slacking for the last week.

I'm pretty lonely right now but at the same time it's nice to be home. I'm going to wake up tomorrow and have breakfast with Ash and then come home and clean my house, maybe start packing. Tomorrow night I'm supposed to go out for some drinks with Ash and Jeff, also Dave asked if I want to go for a few drinks with him and his friend. I don't know what I'll end up doing, I might just go to my dad's again or something, since I have to work at 8:30 Friday morning and I can just walk from there easily. Friday I might go downtown St. Catharines and stay the night. Justin wants to hang out one of these nights too, I feel like I have a million overlapping plans. It's good, I'm keeping busy. Bry I really miss you and want to hang out, maybe like Saturday night or something? Maybe I can spend the night. :) We can watch movies!

I'm really getting excited to move home and have a wicked room, my dad is going to help me put in new floors and paint and everything, I'm also going to redo the bathroom. It's going to be awesome. It's sweet too because my dad is cool about shit, like I'll still be able to have Justin sleep over if I want or who ever, I can stumble in drunk at 4:00am if I want and he won't care. I'm stoked.

Anyways I'm going to watch Hoarders and try to get some sleep .... I really, really miss my dog. It's hard to sleep without him. Night night.

to you i am flawed, but to someone i'm god, so just go

I am actually getting excited to move home. I'm going to throw out a lot of my shit, I don't need to have so much stuff. I'm going to make my room really super cool, and I'll be happy in it. I'm going to have money all the time. No more rent, no more bills. I will have family again. I can talk to my mom every single day if I want because long distance is free. I'll be able to afford to buy a car, maybe in the spring. I can still come and go as I please, I can sleep where ever I want, home or otherwise. Work is two seconds away. It's going to work out. There are a lot of advantages.

I have a lot of plans. Sometime whenever I start to feel better (I'm really sick) I'm going to the Flying Saucer with Dave, haha. I think we are probably the only two people in the world who like that place. This weekend I'm going out for drinks with my very old friend Jimmy Belcastro. I'm also supposed to meet up for drinks with my friend Ryan Grant who I love and miss a lot. Next weekend some girls are going to Dragonfly, I've never been there but kind of always wanted to. I like getting all dressed up and feeling pretty, so I want to do that. It's incredible how I have all these friends showing up out of nowhere, old ones and new ones, all wanting to see me all the time. It's wicked. I think, I'm loved by a lot more people than I thought. It makes me all warm and fuzzy.

I even have good feelings toward Blake. I know he's going through a hard time right now and I truly would do anything for him if he wanted, if I could help him in any way I would. I want him to be happy, even if it's without me.

Of course there are certain times where I still feel very sad about all of this, but mostly I'm really happy. I'm loving, LOVING my freedom, loving my friends, loving my life. I've never had this before. I've never felt so free.

I'm also starting to accept that one day, I am going to fall in love with someone again. But next time, he's going to be perfect for me. Each one of my boyfriends have been better than the last. With each relationship experience I've learned more about what I do and do not want out of someone. Next time, I won't settle for anything less than someone who absolutely floors me, someone who will make my head spin, someone who is serious and wants to make a life with me. Next time I fall in love, I'm not going to fall out. I WILL have the life that I want, I WILL get married to somebody amazing, and I WILL have a baby some day. I'm going to live my young years having fun, I'm partying with my friends, until I find this perfect person. Not perfect, but perfect for me. And when that time comes I'll settle down and be the wife, be the mom, be whatever I want to be. My life is an open book, a half written novel, I've had so many experiences and some things have been incredible and some things have been devastating. But it's all good. I'm stronger than I ever would have thought. I am constantly learning. I feel really good, I feel really powerful and enlightened.

I have the world at my feet.

:)

I'm having fun. I love having my friends back. I really shut off my life to be in a relationship, I'm learning how wrong that was. I love my friends, I love my best friends, and I love my family.

Bryan I know you're reading this, you have been a GINORMOUS help. I just had to make up a word because there aren't any real words that can describe how much you are helping me. I love you soo much Bry, you're my bestest friend. <3

Last night and tonight I have stayed sober, and I'm good. :)

i'm not scared of your stolen power.

I realize I sound like an idiot when I'm high. It just didn't matter at the time, that's the nice thing. I'm going to try to not drink or get high all week, at least until the weekend. My body is sick and needs to recooperate. I'm going to stay at my dad's for a few days I think, I hate being alone when I'm sick.

cooked

All I want to do is be high all the time. I never used to like it. I've been high for 4 days and I'm starting to get used to it, I like feeling not real. I feel better.

here is my heart.

Well.. it has been an extremely rough couple of weeks. I won't lie. I have been dealing with things in pretty unhealthy ways, but I think I'm just about ready to spit it all out.
I just typed like 3 paragraphs and then erased them because it feels unorganized. There is so much I haven't said and need to say and I don't know where to start. I guess I'll start from the beginning.

In the beginning, I felt like I would never snap out of it. Losing Blake hit me so, so hard. The sadness saturated me completely, I felt so heavy, like I could never move or speak again. I felt like the tears would never ever stop, they kept coming and coming even when I wasn't expecting them, I'd lock the door and turn off the lights to go to bed and realize that tears were streaming down my face and I hadn't even noticed. I barely functioned. It didn't feel real, the house was empty and I just waited for him to come home and he never did. One morning at work he texted me and said he would be by later with Ron's truck to get his mattress and Diesel and everything. That's the exact moment that it felt real and that's when I lost control, I begged and pleaded and made a fool of myself. I offered everything I had, wanted to make every sacrafice to have him home. He said, "It's over, why are you doing this to yourself?" Then I knew it was real.

I had had suspicions about this girl, Megan. When Blake and I were still together, we were supposed to go see Protest the Hero with Nick one night. I was babysitting my dad's girlfriend's little ones and I got stuck there late, I told Blake to go ahead without me and have fun, not to miss out just because of me. He said thank you for being an amazing girlfriend. About a week later he text me one morning when I was at work and said, by the way, I gave my number to this girl I met at the Protest show and she's cool soo I'm going to be her friend. Just so you don't think I'm hiding things. .....Is that not wrong? I would never go out and give my number to some guy. Never. When I inquired about it he called me crazy and made me feel bad. I realize now how badly he used to manipulate me. When he broke up with me I asked if it had anything to do with her and he said no. I said, Please can we not get involved with anyone else just yet, I'm truly handling all I can handle. He said nothing and I knew then. The other day I went to pick up some of my stuff from his mom's place and he told me that they are hanging out and he really likes her and they kissed and she's high on life and I would love her blah blah blah blah. Way to stab an open wound. This girl is 17... she is worlds away from me. I said, she's seventeen Blake, you can't even take her out, what are you going to do with her? And he said, You don't want to know what I'm going to do to her. He laughs. I cry. He is joking but it's cruel.

I am not completely innocent. I tell him I am sleeping with Justin. Justin is my best friend and that's all, but the sexual chemistry is there and we both have no reason not to act on it, so why not? It's comfortable, it's a good thing, it soothes my sadness. Of course, I love Justin, I've always loved him and I always will love him. But after 8 years, there's so much more there, such a good friendship. And that's all it will ever be now. So, like I said, why not? He's filling a space in my life without all of the complications of a romantic relationship. He's my best friend by day, we get high and watch movies all day, or we party, we laugh and have fun. And at night it's different, it's more. There is a lot of intensity and passion and contentment. Through the whole night he never leaves my side, he never pulls away from me and I feel more loved by someone who doesn't love me than I ever did by someone who apparently did love me. And in the morning, he is just my best friend again. It's perfect.

So I tell Blake. And a part of me wants it to hurt him, I want him to be jealous and I want him to see what he's missing. I want to tell him exactly how much fun I have with Justin, but I don't. I say it nicely. He doesn't care. He tells me he got over me quickly and that it's just what he does. Really? A year and a half and you just "got over" me? Two weeks before Blake broke up with me, he told me that he is so in love with me and he truly wants to marry me, that he has even thought of where and when and how he will ask. I think that his Grandma dying set him off. He says our relationship was faultering, but I never felt that, I never felt that at all. And he never said it. Like I said, he played the marriage card just two weeks before all of this. I've given up trying to figure it out. It doesn't matter why it's over, it just matters that it's over. And now I'm able to see that it's better this way. I see that I was ignoring things before that were making me unhappy. Blake is emotionally shut down.

When we first started seeing each other, in the summer of 2008, he was full of feelings. We used to stay up all night talking about how crazy it was that we felt so intensely about each other, there was passion. I don't know where we lost that, but we surely did, and Blake has never been the same.

Blake said he wanted to be friends. He wanted to stay in touch and he wanted all of this to go as smoothly as possible. He is still being rude to me, he's still short with me on the phone, he's still mean. For so long I've been dealing with him being mean and not opening my mouth because I'd rather avoid a fight. It makes it easier. It's hard to feel sad when you're angry. I am harvesting my feelings, moulding my anger into a sort of protection, it has healing properties. Now when I see his face, I don't even find him attractive. It's amazing how quickly you can lose that. I used to live for his face, it could make my heart hammer in my chest. Now, nothing. It's a shame. I feel like I wasted a lot of my time and feelings and energy, I never wanted to mess around, I never wanted this. I was in it for real. A shame.

Now, I live day by day. I do what I want, see who I please. I'm drinking and getting high a lot right now but that will slow down, I'm just embracing my freedom. I'm having fun, meeting new people. I have more than a few people who are showing interest in me, not to sound full of myself but I'm realizing opportunities and it makes me feel good about myself. I am getting to know these people. I am nowhere near ready for a relationship, I'm actually loving being single right now. There is one person who I actually am starting to see potential in as I get to know him, and if he's really someone I'm supposed to be with, then he'll be around when I'm ready some day. Or not. Who knows. That's the beauty of this. I have ten million options and I have no idea what's going to happen in my life. All I'm doing is getting to know new friends, spending time with old friends, and sitting back to let whatever happens happen.

I'm getting used to this life. In the end, I'm glad for all that happened. It sucks that I wasted my time again, but this is the first time I've ever been single and it's giving me a chance to get to know myself. I'm getting out there, I'm doing things. If I want to stay in Welland, I can. If I want to go to Chatham to school, I can. And I'll have a good time. Maybe I will fuck off to a random place and join the Animal Liberation Front. I can if I want to. I can go live where ever I want, I can do whatever I want. My life is starting to show beauty and potential. I feel good, and I see good things coming. I couldn't want more.