lemme upgraaade you.

i'm on like, a beyonce kick ahaha.

my boy bought the beamer he picks it up tomorrow.

we're high level, not eye level ;)

umm

so i owe for my stupid fucking taxes again!!! fucking fucking fuck. i can't get ahead. ever. i need fucking money. ugh goddamnit.

on the bright side.... very soon i'm going to be living in a ballin black BMW 325i instead of a blue civic. ;)


life evens itself out i guess.

cleeean

justin cleaned my room today. ahah :) it's so much nicer now. what a sweetheart. thanks love :)

old people

so justin and i fell asleep at 9:00 last night ahah. the band left and we just passed right out and then woke up at 8:00 this morning. his mom was like, you guys are old people haha. that's okay i had a great sleep, justin's bed is way comfier than mine i dont know why we don't sleep here more often. now i feel all relaxed and refreshed and ready to get craaazzy tonight!! i have to work 11-6:15 so i have to get ready before work and i don't even know how i'm getting there because justin's gonna be there at like one. hmm. anyways i am blabbing again because justin's in the shower but i'm gonna go crawl back into his bed where it's very warm and comfortable :)

everyone come party with me tonight! :)

story of your life

well, i am sitting at justin's house watching my own private headshot show. ie. band practice haha so i thought i'd write in here.

well, i got accepted into the University of Guelph - Ridgetown Campus for the Veterinary Technology program. i am proud of myself but it took me a little while to be happy about it. the first thing i did was bawl my eyes out. i really cried so hard because this means i am for sure leaving and that kind of sucks, because now i'm actually happy here. leaving behind the best thing i have. but obviously i have to go, i have to put my goals in front of everything else or i'll regret it forever. so now i'm excited, i have faith in justin and i because we are a pretty lovely team. school will be fun and when i'm finished, i can help sick cows get better for the rest of my life and be happy.

anyways... tonight after they are done practicing justin and i are going to a friends house because some people are going there i guess. i dont even care what i do tonight it's tomorrow i'm excited for! Headshot show in welland, it's gonna be so much fun i'm gonna party till i die.

oh yeah.. last night justin destroyed his car. it sucked. we backed into an invisible car. seriously. it sounds impossible but like this car was a dark colour hiding under a tree with no light whatsoever on it and it was invisible because the back window is really darkly tinted. luckily it was our friends grandmas car and they were really cool about it, but now justin has to pay to fix their car AND his which is pretty messed up, i'm gonna take some pictures of it tonight so they'll be on facebook probably later or tomorrow.

anyways i'm babbling about random things just because i'm just sitting here doing nothing so i'm gonna stop... peace! i hope everyone's weekend is as good as mine is gonna be!


ps. headshot sounds good even in a basement.

yay

i'm pretty good at getting sad but i'm pretty good at finding ways to make it better. i'm better now.

today i'm going to pretty much do nothing and then i'm gonna go to work. i just want the weekend to come now, huge paycheck + headshot show = party. then sunday i wanna hit White Haut to see LMT, if i'm feelin deec from saturday night then Justin and I are gonna go with my dad and Wanda.

school sent my letter to the wrong house so now i have to wait all over again, i'm going to have a heart attack. ugh.

anyways back to sleep now. justin and i went to bed pretty early last night but we got up at like 4 and stayed up till like 5 then slept till 7:30 so i'm tired still. night night people have a good day.

fuckkkkkkk everything today. seriously.

huh?

is it inappropriate to brag about your sex life?


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hmm

my room is coming along, actually.

tummmyy acchee

barely made it in to work today.. but i forced myself because i already cut 7 hours yesterday because i left early. as the day went on i started to feel better. now i have a tummy ache but other than that i feel a lot better. i came home after work and my dad helped me build my desk finally, i've been putting it off because it's in a million pieces but i really can't sit on the floor with my lap top anymore. soon i am going to leash's to watch girly movies and eat gummy bears.

justin is staying in toronto for the night again. mannn do i ever miss him. that's a good thing i guess, it's going to be nice to see him tomorrow. anyways my dad's back so i'm going to finish that desk. ta ta.

woww

i found some old journals. like really old. with a lot of my writing in them. i was so dark then. i don't remember writing these and it's hard to believe i did. i'll post some of it for fun. don't judge.

1. everyone is so ugly. your hunched backs and your heavy lidded, sleepy eyes. your crooked hair cuts and stupid grins. the holes in your clothes speak like dirty, open mouths. you mistake my disdainful glances for interest. i conceive of the idea that possibly, there is more to you. somewhere. i quickly disregard it. you're nothing. a waste of flesh. (how full of hate was i?)

2. you feel like home. but i'm still alone. my guts begin to twist and i yearn to not exist. when the day is through and i'm lying next to you, the solitude sets in, my heart is wearing thin. everything was set, before we even met. an indestructible force and i cannot change its course. the sadness is stagnant within my mind. my will is still to search and destroy. i long to be distracted and free from my fears, this thing that's haunted me for so many years. i can only stay still and cry, wanting only to lay down and die. happiness isn't something that can be taught, this sadness steals my every thought. (how depressed was i?)

3. dishes diapers garbage
steal lie
love
kiss fuck
i hate you
disgusting dirty
immobile
fuck you
scream yell scare
angry walls
close
around me
hug cry fuck
mess up
cycle
beg plead
let me go
let go
silence
curse sleep
i hate you
really.

that one just about sums up my relationship with elliot i believe.

4. absolute devastation. no matter how deep. an unmatchable love. hate. bombarded with regret. eat my secrets. swallow my disgust. never my pride. imagery. unbelievable beauty flooded with falsehood. choke on vanity, deserve it. a serious sadness. camouflaged. conceal myself. can hollow people fall in love? erase mistakes, never face them. silence, never speak. stay cold and make it through. 100% human. mortal. immaculate feelings argued by a lack of compassion. control. digging will kill me. body, mind, heart. i dropped it. don't ask, i won't lie.

i don't remember what that was about.

5. in the end.. whatever happens.. i'll still be beautiful. there will be people i can force to care for me. my mother will love me. i'll have a few friends. and things will never change. i will always be sad. i will always cry at night. and i'll always be beautiful.

i don't even know.. these journals are sooo depressing. i forgot how sad i was back then. it easily comes back when i read these, more specifically the ones i'm not posting on here because i don't want people to know i'm completely crazy.

last night i didn't get to see justin because he was asleep by the time i got off work, and tonight he is in toronto for a basketball game and partying with some friends. i am missing him prettty badly. i don't get to see him until sunday because he has something or other to do tomorrow. i'm such a baby. i gotta learn to not be so needy. like i can't even handle 3 nights apart without getting whiny? pathetic. i gotta control it haha.

anyways i am not feeling well so it's off to bed for me.. ta ta.

get em tiger

i'm always wanting more. i'm never satisfied. i'm convinced i'm always going to want more out of life than i'm going to get. i can't get enough.

greeeen today

wellll it's finally st. patricks day! my favourite holiday of the year. Justin and I are gonna hit up L3 and get reallll fucked up. I'm stoked. i gotta work till 9 though. come onnnnnn 9:00.

do do do

justin fell asleep and now my life is really boring. facebook is soo boring why are we all so addicted to it? like .. its not amusing me whatsoever. boo.

grips and tonic is good

i made justin cookies today because.. well i won't say but he did something real nice for me and deserved cookies. i'm a sweetheart.

tonight... chillin.

thinking

so after work today i went to the pen with justin to send my phone away to get fixed. i got a really dumb loaner phone that i hate.

when we came out we smoked a joint before the drive home. we were cruisin on the highway, high as a kite, heavy music blaring, and i was just thinking to myself, im really happy right now. i love being high and driving. the sunset was really pretty and i just felt really content for some reason and i tried to burn the moment into my brain so i can remember when i'm really depressed that i can feel that happy. i can be low as low can be, and i want to remember that i can always feel happy again.

it's probably just the weed talking but that was my revelation of the day. :)

:)

I'm really stoked on life. Just sayin.

daybreak

I have to say, after that big storm of depression, I have felt amazing for the last 2 days. The problems are worked out and I'm currently feeling happy right down to my core. So happy it gives me shivers :) haha okay I'm done.

Tonight I'm going to see my long lost cousin :) then going to see LMT with my dad, Wanda and Justin, I'm really excited! I love partying with my parents and my boy together haha it's always a good time. Tomorrow I am off and so is Justin so we can sleep in, which we hardly ever get to go.

It's going to be a good weekend :) have fun kids!

7

i feel a little better today, aside from my pounding red wine headache. but the night was wonderful, in the end. i'm happy he came.

fuck my life. im going to sleep and hope everythings better when i wake up.

go ahead. you know you want it.

well life just throws you around doesn't it? everything is confusing but i'm just gonna sit back and not worry about it. whatever happens happens. i can live through just about anything i think. i find out next week about Ridgetown. if i dont get in, i dont know what ill do. i might want to run away. we'll see where ever life decides to bring me.

today i'm off, i'm gonna jump in the shower and go out for a while. i need out of this room!

my mom is mad because i get fucked up too much haha. ohh motherss.

the end! have a good day.

ohh

i'm crazy haha. what the hell.


gettin my wine on tonight.

not alright

well i feel 14 and 15 and 16 again, x10, does that make me 150 years old? i feel like it. i care a lot more. i get by but not without effort. i have 12 different outlooks on life. there are easy but unhealthy ways of dealing with things and lately i've been choosing them. i look back and i don't even know how i got here. time passed me by. i've made a lot of bad decisions. i act from passion and not reason. i don't know if that's good or bad. i guess it's neither. on one hand, i can't believe how much my life has changed. and on the other hand, everything is exactly the same. i feel like i've taken several steps backwards, in so many ways. so, so many ways. for the first time in years i feel like giving up again. i won't of course, i've still got fight left in me. but i'm hanging by a thread and trying really hard to keep it all together. this is really personal and i don't really know why i'm posting it because i know lots of people are reading it that don't care about me and it's none of their business but i guess it just doesn't matter, i just don't care who knows what about me anymore. yes i am weak too. i am breaking a little, i don't feel i have strength enough to do anything today. i know this will pass. but right now i'm thinking, it would be so easy to just go back to how i used to be. not care about anything, not worry about the future, just party and not worry about tomorrow. get fucked up and not worry about anything, ever. that's such a shitty way to be. but it's so much easier. i don't know. i need some sort of release, i don't even know what to do with myself. i don't even know what else to say. i just want it to pass, i can't wait for it to pass.

...

your love it means so much, break away. your smile, your face, light shines through. i'm making plans to drink away all these words i can't escape. i have to try to make you stay, because i'm alone. stay with me this time. because what i'm feeling inside, i'm troubled or maybe i'm blind, but i just can't see how this is helping me. why couldn't i see that you were leaving? because i'm alone. i need someone to be my friend. but i can't take anyone who can't stay until the end. because i'm alone. friend you've done me wrong, there's an end to you and me, because a friend can understand that there's no trust to be had. you're just bouncing on your strings, a puppet on a screen. i'm not sure when you left. there's no chance we'll get there in time, we were lost and stuck together, we were lost with ourselves, and we were lost with each other. where's this place we need to be? your heart is just another road, another place that i can't go. arm outstretched, point and glare. watching the love fall to our feet and into the floor to disappear. we're finding faults. when you kissed her, when you didn't care. it all breaks, disintegrates. well this is the last thing i'll take. i can't face you now. this is the end, there's nothing to keep. you said it was gold, it should've been gold. but this thing we have made, it can't stop, no it won't stop. i get the feeling that i'm sinking in you. your hands go through me as i'm trying to think back on a better time. you'd not know me right now, you'd think i was wanting to drown. pouring out my heart, and pouring one more drink to keep things calm. because i think i've hit the brink,and this is all i can take to keep going on. i'm tired of waiting in this hollow state, pushing aside things i wanna say. its taken my all to get out of bed, pouring a drink to feel myself dead. i'm working it out. i feel so many things all at once. i hope this letter gets read, if just only once. because what i feel inside, i don't want to hide, it's you that's got to me. i've got a dream for us running through my mind. sitting on the beach, looking at the sea. we are old and tired, and time has made us smile. and we're not the only ones, there's hundreds on the shore, looking at the sea. but it's just you and me. if the day never comes, i'll sink beneath the tide. will you still be with me? and disappear?