soo it's 1:45 am and i have to be at work in 6 hours but i just got home from my tea date with adam.. it was the perfect end to a really great day that i had today!! we used to be really close friends i can't believe we went so long without hanging out.. it felt just like old times and we had a great conversation and he looks really good and i was just happy to be there the whole time. it sucked ending the night but i have stupid work.. we are going to hang out again on tuesday tho so i'm excited for that! we decided to become best friends again because.. well we can, and we should. so thats a happy thing thats happening. :)
on another note... i get to do another Rusk show =D i'm so incredibly stoked! i love doing this modelling stuff it's just a huge boost to the self esteem, and also i get my hair done by these amazing crazy professional salon people. i'm stoked on life today. i just love everything. i wish every day could be like today! :)
that's about all i have to say for now because i'm half asleep so i'm going to bed.. work 8-5 tomorrow then going to dave's for a few drinks, then heading downtown to merchant ale house and a few other places i guess with some of dave's friends. i'm excited because dave always comes here and now i get to go meet his friends.
i feel like maybe nothing i wrote up there makes much sense but i'm tired and just wanted to spit it out.. so until next time loyal readers (which are far more people than i thought!) goodnight! :) i hope you all feel as happy as i do right now!
Thursday, January 28, 2010
appleseed cast - innocent vigilant ordinary
"oh, no," i said
i think about the times
the way you smile at me
and how we always kiss
and how we drank the sun
and killed the night
and fought the sleep and won
and how we left it all unmade
it was only once
now there's more than one
no, there's only one
now there's more than one
you're the only one
you're the only one
you're the only one
it's good to see
that you are doing well
and well enough to be
laughing here with me
'cause what we did
there's no excuse for it
you know i love you so
and i'd love to know what i did
it was only once
i want you to know
that i will always love you
and always be your friend
and never leave you again
the past is past
it's now, so we can go
and we can move ahead
i hope this letter gets read
if just only once
i think about the times
the way you smile at me
and how we always kiss
and how we drank the sun
and killed the night
and fought the sleep and won
and how we left it all unmade
it was only once
now there's more than one
no, there's only one
now there's more than one
you're the only one
you're the only one
you're the only one
it's good to see
that you are doing well
and well enough to be
laughing here with me
'cause what we did
there's no excuse for it
you know i love you so
and i'd love to know what i did
it was only once
i want you to know
that i will always love you
and always be your friend
and never leave you again
the past is past
it's now, so we can go
and we can move ahead
i hope this letter gets read
if just only once
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
i love milo
he's the sweetest cat. i love him so much it's ridiculous. he can never die or i'll die!
i thought i was doing nothing tonight, but i was texting Dave and said i was bored and he said, want me to come take you somewhere? which is pretty cool because he's willing to come from st. catharines just to alleviate my boredom.. i told him to just come and watch a movie. so that's what we're going to do.
so i'm going to go eat some salad and then do that. i'm off tomorrow, i like being off. gym in the morning then who knows, tea date with adam tomorrow night.
peace !
i thought i was doing nothing tonight, but i was texting Dave and said i was bored and he said, want me to come take you somewhere? which is pretty cool because he's willing to come from st. catharines just to alleviate my boredom.. i told him to just come and watch a movie. so that's what we're going to do.
so i'm going to go eat some salad and then do that. i'm off tomorrow, i like being off. gym in the morning then who knows, tea date with adam tomorrow night.
peace !
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
people
once in a while in life, you come across someone really wicked. someone who is actually a good person through and through. i think i found someone like that. i just don't seem to have room in my heart right now.
i was just all sad and justin just called and made me laugh in a matter of 2 seconds, he is the best person to talk about my problems to, he has a weird way of making it better that no one else does. like a unique way. it's good for me because his mind set keeps him from getting hurt and he is sort of like, training me to be like that haha. the more time i spend with him the more i don't care about anything. i don't know if that's right but it feels good.
bubble bath till he gets here and then back to the couch for movie night.
i was just all sad and justin just called and made me laugh in a matter of 2 seconds, he is the best person to talk about my problems to, he has a weird way of making it better that no one else does. like a unique way. it's good for me because his mind set keeps him from getting hurt and he is sort of like, training me to be like that haha. the more time i spend with him the more i don't care about anything. i don't know if that's right but it feels good.
bubble bath till he gets here and then back to the couch for movie night.
you can't mean it twice
Yesterday I worked 7:30 - 5. I felt fine all day, tired, but fine. Roxanne met me at work so we could do some running around for Kitty Cat Keep, and then we went and did some grocery shopping together. While we were walking around I started to have a tummy ache a bit. I got home a little before 8, and by 8 I was throwing up and felt like I was dying. I threw up once or twice an hour for the rest of the night until about 7 this morning. Now I don't feel that sick anymore but my whole body is really achy. I'm also freezing. I was alone last night and I hate being alone when I'm sick, Justin called me twice because he wanted to come and take care of me but I was passed out when he called and I called him back but he was passed out so no one took care of me :( haha.
Today I have been listening to the same song over and over. It's by a band called Loyalist and the song is called You Can't Mean It Twice. Dave showed it to me when he was here the other night, he has the best taste in music and always knows what I'm going to love. Dave also does backup vocals on this song that I'm loving. I'm finding parts of the lyrics very relatable. Here they are:
i'm trying to be good, your hand fits like a glove in just the way i knew it would, i've been busy losing everything i've got trying to impress you when i've only come to know you as a first name and inital as i played the devil's music.
i got that feeling in my gut where i know that somethings wrong with me, i just cant shake it off, and you're no good at pretending. breathing heavy on your back, let's just get on with this routine. you're trying to be honest but it's just not making sense to me.
you found me out, go spill my secrets. shed your stupid tattoos, none of your friends believe them and i lost touch with god, now i can't get away with anything while we're out on the front, still fighting for our privacy.
as you're pulling off your dress, that look kills spirits and intentions. and a crush i shouldn't have, but i do so many stupid things that something bad is bound to happen. i could be anything at all, but this is one thing i can't have.
all my best attempts to win you back did nothing, but i've never been content, i had a lot of fight still left in me. those days when we got hurtful, and you got boring in bed, right before we just stopped talking 'cause everything had all been said.
so let me start again, i think i made the wrong impression and i hate wondering if i did. i became a new professional, contagious with resentment. you said, "don't let it overtake you..." but babe, i think i let it.
*dave sings ooooohs in his amazing voice*
but you can't mean it twice, but you can make it right if you want to.
so wake up. i need a miracle if i'm supposed to wake up.
you're not allowed to stay in my bed, and tell me you're happy, and then leave the next day and say it was nothing, no.
so wait up, i thought i could but i know i can't keep this pace up.
you're not allowed to touch me like that and kiss me in that fashion just to keep me in your pocket and then say nothing happened.
don't say nothing happened.
Hmmm story of my life just a little bit! Some parts anyways. Jess I know you're reading this and I think you will like these two songs, the one I just wrote about and another one by the same band called I Shot Somebody. Go to http://www.myspace.com/loyalistcanada give it a listen. The band doesn't even exist anymore, it's a shame.
Anyways, I'm off today so I'm sitting around for the day, if I can work up the energy I'm going to clean up the house a bit. Later tonight Justin's going to come and spend the night. I like it because it's so comfortable that if I'm sick and throwing up and look like a dirtbag I don't care if he sees haha. That's why I chose him to hang out with tonight. I want to watch Sin City again, he always lets me pick the movie so that's most likely what we'll end up doing, and depending on my tummy, maybe we'll eat some fruit salad and drink juice. I don't think I'll be getting high tonight because I just don't feel like it.
And there are my thoughts for the day, I've been posting huge lately.
Have a good day blog readers!
Today I have been listening to the same song over and over. It's by a band called Loyalist and the song is called You Can't Mean It Twice. Dave showed it to me when he was here the other night, he has the best taste in music and always knows what I'm going to love. Dave also does backup vocals on this song that I'm loving. I'm finding parts of the lyrics very relatable. Here they are:
i'm trying to be good, your hand fits like a glove in just the way i knew it would, i've been busy losing everything i've got trying to impress you when i've only come to know you as a first name and inital as i played the devil's music.
i got that feeling in my gut where i know that somethings wrong with me, i just cant shake it off, and you're no good at pretending. breathing heavy on your back, let's just get on with this routine. you're trying to be honest but it's just not making sense to me.
you found me out, go spill my secrets. shed your stupid tattoos, none of your friends believe them and i lost touch with god, now i can't get away with anything while we're out on the front, still fighting for our privacy.
as you're pulling off your dress, that look kills spirits and intentions. and a crush i shouldn't have, but i do so many stupid things that something bad is bound to happen. i could be anything at all, but this is one thing i can't have.
all my best attempts to win you back did nothing, but i've never been content, i had a lot of fight still left in me. those days when we got hurtful, and you got boring in bed, right before we just stopped talking 'cause everything had all been said.
so let me start again, i think i made the wrong impression and i hate wondering if i did. i became a new professional, contagious with resentment. you said, "don't let it overtake you..." but babe, i think i let it.
*dave sings ooooohs in his amazing voice*
but you can't mean it twice, but you can make it right if you want to.
so wake up. i need a miracle if i'm supposed to wake up.
you're not allowed to stay in my bed, and tell me you're happy, and then leave the next day and say it was nothing, no.
so wait up, i thought i could but i know i can't keep this pace up.
you're not allowed to touch me like that and kiss me in that fashion just to keep me in your pocket and then say nothing happened.
don't say nothing happened.
Hmmm story of my life just a little bit! Some parts anyways. Jess I know you're reading this and I think you will like these two songs, the one I just wrote about and another one by the same band called I Shot Somebody. Go to http://www.myspace.com/loyalistcanada give it a listen. The band doesn't even exist anymore, it's a shame.
Anyways, I'm off today so I'm sitting around for the day, if I can work up the energy I'm going to clean up the house a bit. Later tonight Justin's going to come and spend the night. I like it because it's so comfortable that if I'm sick and throwing up and look like a dirtbag I don't care if he sees haha. That's why I chose him to hang out with tonight. I want to watch Sin City again, he always lets me pick the movie so that's most likely what we'll end up doing, and depending on my tummy, maybe we'll eat some fruit salad and drink juice. I don't think I'll be getting high tonight because I just don't feel like it.
And there are my thoughts for the day, I've been posting huge lately.
Have a good day blog readers!
Sunday, January 24, 2010
updaate*
Okay so I have a little bit of time here, I'm pretty tired so I'll try to make it quick. Also I'm freezing and want to get back to my couch and blankets. AND I'm watching Sin City which is my favourite movie, I could watch it every day it's so violent and sexy.
So Friday night Dave came over and drank a bottle of wine with me before we hit up Vice Lounge for Rob's 30th birthday. We planned on just going for a little bit and then hitting up the strip club because I've never been! But we were having a lot of fun at vice so we ended up staying there for the night. Rob was wasted, my friend Jen was there she was wasted too, it was hilarious. I made new friends and also saw some people I know from the gym and one of the dudes bought me a drink and a shot of tequila so I sat and chatted with him for a while. (*Pause: This has taken me like an hour to write because I keep getting distracted by the movie!) Anyways it was a lot of fun, Dave and I went to BK after because I need veggie burgers when I'm drunk and there were these 3 guys there from Jamaica. They were hitting on me soo bad and it was so fucking funny, they actually were calling me "shorty" and "white girl" and said I have swagger, haha. Then the one told Dave he looked like Marilyn Manson (which is a wild mystery to me) and asked us to teach him how to get a white girl like me. He said to Dave, "Maybe I gotta grow out ma hurrr like yours" yes he actually kept pronouncing it "hurr." I forget what else they were saying but it was hilarious, he told Dave to get two engagement rings on me if he wants to keep me haha because we pretended we were dating so the dudes would sort of leave me alone. Anyways it was a really fun night, I went home and passed right out I was hammered.
So that meant I didn't feel like doing much last night. I told my dad I would maybe go for some drinks with him but I really didn't feel like drinking. I was supposed to hang out with Justin and talk out our little snag but I locked myself out of my house, so I called him to say not to come over because I was just going to have to go to my dad's until Blake got back from Toronto with my spare key. I really have to get that back from him. Justin told me to stay at work and he would come get me and we would find a way in. I was skeptical but trusted him and he climbed through one of my windows and saved my life. I was scared of how easy it was to break it so he showed me how to lock the window. I am seriously stupid and don't know what I would do without him around. So the night was salvaged, we smoked lungs and I got really stoned and couldn't even speak really. We watched Scarface but I didn't take any of it in because my mind was wandering everywhere. We actually didn't end up talking anything out really, I said to him, "I want to tell you things but don't know how to say it." And he said, "Don't worry about it." And then everything was good. I feel, ten hundred thousand million times better. I really have come to need and depend on Justin again, very much so. He just makes my life happy and comfortable and fun, he straightens out my head when I need it, he puts things in perspective for me and is a really good listener and always has great feedback. In some way I love him still, so I love that we are such good friends and can hang out all the time now. He stayed the night with me and all was well in the world.
Another piece of noteworthy news is that Alysha got back from Florida yesterday! I was so happy to talk to her and I can't wait to see her, I missed her like crrazy and we have soo much to catch up on.
Today I worked all day and then went to the gym and had a really good workout, then came here to my dad's and now I'm doing laundry. I should get some sleep because I have to work at 7:30 in the morning. Booo.
That was a long update! Goodnight blog readers! Sleep well knowing that all is happy in my life at the moment! :)
So Friday night Dave came over and drank a bottle of wine with me before we hit up Vice Lounge for Rob's 30th birthday. We planned on just going for a little bit and then hitting up the strip club because I've never been! But we were having a lot of fun at vice so we ended up staying there for the night. Rob was wasted, my friend Jen was there she was wasted too, it was hilarious. I made new friends and also saw some people I know from the gym and one of the dudes bought me a drink and a shot of tequila so I sat and chatted with him for a while. (*Pause: This has taken me like an hour to write because I keep getting distracted by the movie!) Anyways it was a lot of fun, Dave and I went to BK after because I need veggie burgers when I'm drunk and there were these 3 guys there from Jamaica. They were hitting on me soo bad and it was so fucking funny, they actually were calling me "shorty" and "white girl" and said I have swagger, haha. Then the one told Dave he looked like Marilyn Manson (which is a wild mystery to me) and asked us to teach him how to get a white girl like me. He said to Dave, "Maybe I gotta grow out ma hurrr like yours" yes he actually kept pronouncing it "hurr." I forget what else they were saying but it was hilarious, he told Dave to get two engagement rings on me if he wants to keep me haha because we pretended we were dating so the dudes would sort of leave me alone. Anyways it was a really fun night, I went home and passed right out I was hammered.
So that meant I didn't feel like doing much last night. I told my dad I would maybe go for some drinks with him but I really didn't feel like drinking. I was supposed to hang out with Justin and talk out our little snag but I locked myself out of my house, so I called him to say not to come over because I was just going to have to go to my dad's until Blake got back from Toronto with my spare key. I really have to get that back from him. Justin told me to stay at work and he would come get me and we would find a way in. I was skeptical but trusted him and he climbed through one of my windows and saved my life. I was scared of how easy it was to break it so he showed me how to lock the window. I am seriously stupid and don't know what I would do without him around. So the night was salvaged, we smoked lungs and I got really stoned and couldn't even speak really. We watched Scarface but I didn't take any of it in because my mind was wandering everywhere. We actually didn't end up talking anything out really, I said to him, "I want to tell you things but don't know how to say it." And he said, "Don't worry about it." And then everything was good. I feel, ten hundred thousand million times better. I really have come to need and depend on Justin again, very much so. He just makes my life happy and comfortable and fun, he straightens out my head when I need it, he puts things in perspective for me and is a really good listener and always has great feedback. In some way I love him still, so I love that we are such good friends and can hang out all the time now. He stayed the night with me and all was well in the world.
Another piece of noteworthy news is that Alysha got back from Florida yesterday! I was so happy to talk to her and I can't wait to see her, I missed her like crrazy and we have soo much to catch up on.
Today I worked all day and then went to the gym and had a really good workout, then came here to my dad's and now I'm doing laundry. I should get some sleep because I have to work at 7:30 in the morning. Booo.
That was a long update! Goodnight blog readers! Sleep well knowing that all is happy in my life at the moment! :)
Saturday, January 23, 2010
quickiee
i have lots to say but dont feel like sitting on here right now so i'll probably post tomorrow night all my news.
i like locking myself out of my house. justin climbed through my window what would i do without him.
best friend is here, stoked on life right now :) getting high, watching scarface, eating cookies, i love it. <3 all for now!
i like locking myself out of my house. justin climbed through my window what would i do without him.
best friend is here, stoked on life right now :) getting high, watching scarface, eating cookies, i love it. <3 all for now!
Friday, January 22, 2010
all that matters
dear best friend
i'm sorry everything got stupid and weird. i love you and i want things back how they were. :( <3
i'm sorry everything got stupid and weird. i love you and i want things back how they were. :( <3
hmm
welll that was a pleasant post. i shouldn't drink when i'm sad or angry haha but i do anyways.
wednesday night i went out with alycia, marcus and tim, we had a good drunk fun hilarious time, and ate amazing BK veggie burgers. well i did. BK veggie burgers are my favourite thing when i'm drunk.
last night dave came here for a little then we went to will's for a couple beers with a few people, then we all headed out to cheers and drank more and i actually got really drunk last night. but it was fun i had a good time.
tonight dave's coming here again then we are getting all fancied up to go out for Rob's 30th at the Vice Lounge, then we are hittin up the rips haha which i'm kinda stoked about because i'm gonna be 22 soon and i've never been to a strip club. so yeah that should be fun.
i'm gonna take it easy on the drinking tonight i think, i'm still not feeling too well from last night so i'll probably just have one or two to be social but keep it in control haha. tomorrow night i'm also supposed to go out with my dad and wanda. fuckk like i keep saying i'm gonna chill on the partying but every night there is something to do and i can't seem to turn any of it down haha.
ahh well i'm excited for tonight, i'm excited to spend a long time getting all prettied up and for once wear some slightly skanky clothes and be allowed to and not feel bad. i just wanna feel amazingly gorgeous tonight. :)
wednesday night i went out with alycia, marcus and tim, we had a good drunk fun hilarious time, and ate amazing BK veggie burgers. well i did. BK veggie burgers are my favourite thing when i'm drunk.
last night dave came here for a little then we went to will's for a couple beers with a few people, then we all headed out to cheers and drank more and i actually got really drunk last night. but it was fun i had a good time.
tonight dave's coming here again then we are getting all fancied up to go out for Rob's 30th at the Vice Lounge, then we are hittin up the rips haha which i'm kinda stoked about because i'm gonna be 22 soon and i've never been to a strip club. so yeah that should be fun.
i'm gonna take it easy on the drinking tonight i think, i'm still not feeling too well from last night so i'll probably just have one or two to be social but keep it in control haha. tomorrow night i'm also supposed to go out with my dad and wanda. fuckk like i keep saying i'm gonna chill on the partying but every night there is something to do and i can't seem to turn any of it down haha.
ahh well i'm excited for tonight, i'm excited to spend a long time getting all prettied up and for once wear some slightly skanky clothes and be allowed to and not feel bad. i just wanna feel amazingly gorgeous tonight. :)
Thursday, January 21, 2010
ugh
fucking word vomit. i ruin everything. if something is going well i wreck it.
dave wants me to go out tonight, i kept flip flopping whether i'd go or not, i am already drinking i might as well just go out and get fucking wasted and regret it tomorrow when i'm working at 8:30.
fuck
dave wants me to go out tonight, i kept flip flopping whether i'd go or not, i am already drinking i might as well just go out and get fucking wasted and regret it tomorrow when i'm working at 8:30.
fuck
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Monday, January 18, 2010
:)
i slept sooo well last night. after like a week of not sleeping, getting high before bed, and having someone there with me, it felt like the best sleep i've had in months. i feel good and happy today.
work 11:30 to 8 and then gym tonight. peace!
work 11:30 to 8 and then gym tonight. peace!
Sunday, January 17, 2010
sleepless
it's been a crazy couple of nights, i like haven't slept at all. right now i'm listening to a song called Miles Away on repeat and have been for like an hour, i can't get enough of it. it's by Sleep the Season which is Dave's band that isn't a band anymore... Dave's voice for real gives me goosebumps it's so nice. i love singing this song but i doubt i sound as good as he does haha.
last night after work Dave took me out for dinner. we went to the Flying Saucer because we are awesome. we were going to go to yuk yuks after but i told him i didn't want to be out late because i was tired from the night before. so we decided to go to our friend will's for a beer and then i could come home and sleep. well.. we got talking, and drinking, then everyone else had left or went to bed and it was just us and we had this really wicked conversation, and before i knew it, it was 6:00am. so much for not being out late. i was dead tired at work all day but i'm glad i went, i love getting to know new people and trading life stories, i love new friends.
tonight i am reeeal sleepy so justin is coming to keep me company for my lazy sleepy night. i'm in pajamas with wet hair from my shower curled up on the couch. i'm staying like this till bed time.
i bought a dvd player today. that's all my news.
goodnight blog readers!
last night after work Dave took me out for dinner. we went to the Flying Saucer because we are awesome. we were going to go to yuk yuks after but i told him i didn't want to be out late because i was tired from the night before. so we decided to go to our friend will's for a beer and then i could come home and sleep. well.. we got talking, and drinking, then everyone else had left or went to bed and it was just us and we had this really wicked conversation, and before i knew it, it was 6:00am. so much for not being out late. i was dead tired at work all day but i'm glad i went, i love getting to know new people and trading life stories, i love new friends.
tonight i am reeeal sleepy so justin is coming to keep me company for my lazy sleepy night. i'm in pajamas with wet hair from my shower curled up on the couch. i'm staying like this till bed time.
i bought a dvd player today. that's all my news.
goodnight blog readers!
Friday, January 15, 2010
i thought i was a fool for no one, but ohh baby i'm a fool for you!
worrrk at 1:30 i gotta start walking in like 5 mins and i'm in pajamas. fucckk i procrastinate soo bad. drinks again tonight with tony ! haha life is fun now.
one more thing
I forgot to say ... not only are girls slutbags, they are psycho bitches!! Hahaha like I can't believe how fucking psycho. I love it. Now I get to fuck people up haha I win!
a good night, the best in a long time.
So the other night was really fun when everyone came over. We all got really drunk and just had a really good night. We drank till 6:30 in the morning, Bryan and Tony slept here. Bryan went home in the morning and me and Tony chilled for most of the day, he helped me clean up and gather the ridiculous amount of bottles and cans which are still all over my kitchen counter haha I really, really need to do an empties run!
Last night I had to work till 9 so Justin came there and then we came home and had a chill night which actually was intensely fun, for some reason. He woke up to go to work this morning and I couldn't sleep after that so here I am, I just cooked pasta for some reason haha now I am doing this and then I'm going to try to go back to sleep. I work 1:30 to 9:15 today and then hopefully going to the gym after, I haven't been in a few days and it's killing me! I feel like I need to go burn some calories. I'm starting to feel very comfortable with my body, I feel attractive most of the time.
Aaaanyways that's about all that's happening in my life at the moment. Until next time blog readers!
Last night I had to work till 9 so Justin came there and then we came home and had a chill night which actually was intensely fun, for some reason. He woke up to go to work this morning and I couldn't sleep after that so here I am, I just cooked pasta for some reason haha now I am doing this and then I'm going to try to go back to sleep. I work 1:30 to 9:15 today and then hopefully going to the gym after, I haven't been in a few days and it's killing me! I feel like I need to go burn some calories. I'm starting to feel very comfortable with my body, I feel attractive most of the time.
Aaaanyways that's about all that's happening in my life at the moment. Until next time blog readers!
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
core happiness
I've moved on to uh, bigger and better things.
I'm starting to feel happiness right down to my bones. When I sleep at home, even if no one's here sleeping with me, I'm fine. I don't cry, I don't even have to try to control the urge to cry because there isn't one. I'm so incredibly free and happy, I feel like I could fly away. I'm that light hearted.
Tonight I'm getting drunk with Lindsay, Bryce, Chris, Tony, Ryan, Amber, and Pete. I'm excited, it's going to be fun. I love hanging out with old friends that I haven't seen in a long time.
For now I'm going to tidy up a bit, though my house is already pretty clean. I just need to sweep the floors. And then I'm going to eat some food, and drink some alcohol. :)
Apology in advance if I happen to write some drunken thing later haha. Have a good night people!
I'm starting to feel happiness right down to my bones. When I sleep at home, even if no one's here sleeping with me, I'm fine. I don't cry, I don't even have to try to control the urge to cry because there isn't one. I'm so incredibly free and happy, I feel like I could fly away. I'm that light hearted.
Tonight I'm getting drunk with Lindsay, Bryce, Chris, Tony, Ryan, Amber, and Pete. I'm excited, it's going to be fun. I love hanging out with old friends that I haven't seen in a long time.
For now I'm going to tidy up a bit, though my house is already pretty clean. I just need to sweep the floors. And then I'm going to eat some food, and drink some alcohol. :)
Apology in advance if I happen to write some drunken thing later haha. Have a good night people!
terrible liars, passionate lovers
See, we don't give a fuck about you.
I feel like I can't trust anyone. I'm always finding shit out, I'm always seeing shit, hearing shit, people are always talking talking talking talking it's like a buzz in my ears that never goes away.
We don't give a fuck about you.
I feel like I can't trust anyone. I'm always finding shit out, I'm always seeing shit, hearing shit, people are always talking talking talking talking it's like a buzz in my ears that never goes away.
We don't give a fuck about you.
Monday, January 11, 2010
i choose to live
I guess a lot more people read this than I thought. It's in my nature to not censor anything, because I don't care who knows what about my life. I have nothing to hide. I'm going to start being a little more careful though, because not everything is only mine to tell.
I feel like I set myself up for every bad thing that happens to me. I need to learn how to avoid this. I need to do something, one specific thing, and I really don't want to do it, which is exactly why I need to.
People are always constantly searching for mates. It's like, in our genetic makeup I suppose. But I feel like now that I'm single, I have to be careful about what I let people think. I don't want anyone to think I'm interested but I think I give off that vibe sometimes. I don't want to date anyone. I don't want to be with anyone. I want to be with myself. I want to take the fuck off and get out of here. I want to have fun with my friends and sleep with my best friend and no one else, ever. Which is not to say I want to be with him, it just means I want to sleep with him. And no one seems to understand that. Everyone is talking. Evvvveryone is talking. Everyone is always talking.
My thoughts and feelings are everywhere. I'm a little messy inside right now. I'm drinking alone.
Tomorrow night I'm going to drink at Stephie's house with Tanya. Wine and girls is always the best combination. Wednesday night Lindsay, Tony, Chris Fisher, Bryce, and possibly Amber are coming over to drink here. Then I work every day for like, ever.
Right now the alcohol is getting to me and I need to go to bed. I hope Milo sleeps with me tonight, he has been lately, since Blake's been gone. It's like he knows I can't sleep alone.
I feel like I set myself up for every bad thing that happens to me. I need to learn how to avoid this. I need to do something, one specific thing, and I really don't want to do it, which is exactly why I need to.
People are always constantly searching for mates. It's like, in our genetic makeup I suppose. But I feel like now that I'm single, I have to be careful about what I let people think. I don't want anyone to think I'm interested but I think I give off that vibe sometimes. I don't want to date anyone. I don't want to be with anyone. I want to be with myself. I want to take the fuck off and get out of here. I want to have fun with my friends and sleep with my best friend and no one else, ever. Which is not to say I want to be with him, it just means I want to sleep with him. And no one seems to understand that. Everyone is talking. Evvvveryone is talking. Everyone is always talking.
My thoughts and feelings are everywhere. I'm a little messy inside right now. I'm drinking alone.
Tomorrow night I'm going to drink at Stephie's house with Tanya. Wine and girls is always the best combination. Wednesday night Lindsay, Tony, Chris Fisher, Bryce, and possibly Amber are coming over to drink here. Then I work every day for like, ever.
Right now the alcohol is getting to me and I need to go to bed. I hope Milo sleeps with me tonight, he has been lately, since Blake's been gone. It's like he knows I can't sleep alone.
Friday, January 8, 2010
:)
i dont even know whats happening in my life right now! hahaha all i know is i really like bananas today. and giant water bottles.
i'm watching justin play xbox. this is my life now. haha
L3 soon :) i get to see ryan grant. so so so stoked. then some dudes house.
peaaace!
i'm watching justin play xbox. this is my life now. haha
L3 soon :) i get to see ryan grant. so so so stoked. then some dudes house.
peaaace!
chillln
listening to some gangster music with bff fossyy.
1. smoke
2. drink
3. smoke more
excited for the night!
1. smoke
2. drink
3. smoke more
excited for the night!
Thursday, January 7, 2010
come back to me awhile
it's been this way since Christmas day
dazzled, and doused in gin. changing my taste in men. changing my style again. waiting for the day to end.
THINGS TO DO
1. get hurr did. i want something new and crazy. maybe some crazy layers and bangs.
2. get drums tattooed on my ribs. like a huge tattoo.
3. get really skinny
4. rock at life
5. get some sleep
dazzled, and doused in gin. changing my taste in men. changing my style again. waiting for the day to end.
THINGS TO DO
1. get hurr did. i want something new and crazy. maybe some crazy layers and bangs.
2. get drums tattooed on my ribs. like a huge tattoo.
3. get really skinny
4. rock at life
5. get some sleep
i never sleep
I'm not going to change the way I look
or the way I feel
to conform to anything.
I've always been a freak so
I've been a freak all my life and
I have to live with that, you know.
I'm one of those people.
-John Lennon
I feel like this. I feel free to look however I want, wear whatever I want, tattoo my whole body no matter how many people hate it. I love it, I love to feel pretty. Tattoos and make up make me feel pretty, so that's how I roll.
John Lennon was a smart man.
or the way I feel
to conform to anything.
I've always been a freak so
I've been a freak all my life and
I have to live with that, you know.
I'm one of those people.
-John Lennon
I feel like this. I feel free to look however I want, wear whatever I want, tattoo my whole body no matter how many people hate it. I love it, I love to feel pretty. Tattoos and make up make me feel pretty, so that's how I roll.
John Lennon was a smart man.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
i'm cold to my bones
I slept at my dad's again last night. I woke up today around like noon haha, lazed around pretty much, then showered and got ready for work and went there. Then I went to the gym and worked out which felt good because I've been slacking for the last week.
I'm pretty lonely right now but at the same time it's nice to be home. I'm going to wake up tomorrow and have breakfast with Ash and then come home and clean my house, maybe start packing. Tomorrow night I'm supposed to go out for some drinks with Ash and Jeff, also Dave asked if I want to go for a few drinks with him and his friend. I don't know what I'll end up doing, I might just go to my dad's again or something, since I have to work at 8:30 Friday morning and I can just walk from there easily. Friday I might go downtown St. Catharines and stay the night. Justin wants to hang out one of these nights too, I feel like I have a million overlapping plans. It's good, I'm keeping busy. Bry I really miss you and want to hang out, maybe like Saturday night or something? Maybe I can spend the night. :) We can watch movies!
I'm really getting excited to move home and have a wicked room, my dad is going to help me put in new floors and paint and everything, I'm also going to redo the bathroom. It's going to be awesome. It's sweet too because my dad is cool about shit, like I'll still be able to have Justin sleep over if I want or who ever, I can stumble in drunk at 4:00am if I want and he won't care. I'm stoked.
Anyways I'm going to watch Hoarders and try to get some sleep .... I really, really miss my dog. It's hard to sleep without him. Night night.
I'm pretty lonely right now but at the same time it's nice to be home. I'm going to wake up tomorrow and have breakfast with Ash and then come home and clean my house, maybe start packing. Tomorrow night I'm supposed to go out for some drinks with Ash and Jeff, also Dave asked if I want to go for a few drinks with him and his friend. I don't know what I'll end up doing, I might just go to my dad's again or something, since I have to work at 8:30 Friday morning and I can just walk from there easily. Friday I might go downtown St. Catharines and stay the night. Justin wants to hang out one of these nights too, I feel like I have a million overlapping plans. It's good, I'm keeping busy. Bry I really miss you and want to hang out, maybe like Saturday night or something? Maybe I can spend the night. :) We can watch movies!
I'm really getting excited to move home and have a wicked room, my dad is going to help me put in new floors and paint and everything, I'm also going to redo the bathroom. It's going to be awesome. It's sweet too because my dad is cool about shit, like I'll still be able to have Justin sleep over if I want or who ever, I can stumble in drunk at 4:00am if I want and he won't care. I'm stoked.
Anyways I'm going to watch Hoarders and try to get some sleep .... I really, really miss my dog. It's hard to sleep without him. Night night.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
to you i am flawed, but to someone i'm god, so just go
I am actually getting excited to move home. I'm going to throw out a lot of my shit, I don't need to have so much stuff. I'm going to make my room really super cool, and I'll be happy in it. I'm going to have money all the time. No more rent, no more bills. I will have family again. I can talk to my mom every single day if I want because long distance is free. I'll be able to afford to buy a car, maybe in the spring. I can still come and go as I please, I can sleep where ever I want, home or otherwise. Work is two seconds away. It's going to work out. There are a lot of advantages.
I have a lot of plans. Sometime whenever I start to feel better (I'm really sick) I'm going to the Flying Saucer with Dave, haha. I think we are probably the only two people in the world who like that place. This weekend I'm going out for drinks with my very old friend Jimmy Belcastro. I'm also supposed to meet up for drinks with my friend Ryan Grant who I love and miss a lot. Next weekend some girls are going to Dragonfly, I've never been there but kind of always wanted to. I like getting all dressed up and feeling pretty, so I want to do that. It's incredible how I have all these friends showing up out of nowhere, old ones and new ones, all wanting to see me all the time. It's wicked. I think, I'm loved by a lot more people than I thought. It makes me all warm and fuzzy.
I even have good feelings toward Blake. I know he's going through a hard time right now and I truly would do anything for him if he wanted, if I could help him in any way I would. I want him to be happy, even if it's without me.
Of course there are certain times where I still feel very sad about all of this, but mostly I'm really happy. I'm loving, LOVING my freedom, loving my friends, loving my life. I've never had this before. I've never felt so free.
I'm also starting to accept that one day, I am going to fall in love with someone again. But next time, he's going to be perfect for me. Each one of my boyfriends have been better than the last. With each relationship experience I've learned more about what I do and do not want out of someone. Next time, I won't settle for anything less than someone who absolutely floors me, someone who will make my head spin, someone who is serious and wants to make a life with me. Next time I fall in love, I'm not going to fall out. I WILL have the life that I want, I WILL get married to somebody amazing, and I WILL have a baby some day. I'm going to live my young years having fun, I'm partying with my friends, until I find this perfect person. Not perfect, but perfect for me. And when that time comes I'll settle down and be the wife, be the mom, be whatever I want to be. My life is an open book, a half written novel, I've had so many experiences and some things have been incredible and some things have been devastating. But it's all good. I'm stronger than I ever would have thought. I am constantly learning. I feel really good, I feel really powerful and enlightened.
I have the world at my feet.
I have a lot of plans. Sometime whenever I start to feel better (I'm really sick) I'm going to the Flying Saucer with Dave, haha. I think we are probably the only two people in the world who like that place. This weekend I'm going out for drinks with my very old friend Jimmy Belcastro. I'm also supposed to meet up for drinks with my friend Ryan Grant who I love and miss a lot. Next weekend some girls are going to Dragonfly, I've never been there but kind of always wanted to. I like getting all dressed up and feeling pretty, so I want to do that. It's incredible how I have all these friends showing up out of nowhere, old ones and new ones, all wanting to see me all the time. It's wicked. I think, I'm loved by a lot more people than I thought. It makes me all warm and fuzzy.
I even have good feelings toward Blake. I know he's going through a hard time right now and I truly would do anything for him if he wanted, if I could help him in any way I would. I want him to be happy, even if it's without me.
Of course there are certain times where I still feel very sad about all of this, but mostly I'm really happy. I'm loving, LOVING my freedom, loving my friends, loving my life. I've never had this before. I've never felt so free.
I'm also starting to accept that one day, I am going to fall in love with someone again. But next time, he's going to be perfect for me. Each one of my boyfriends have been better than the last. With each relationship experience I've learned more about what I do and do not want out of someone. Next time, I won't settle for anything less than someone who absolutely floors me, someone who will make my head spin, someone who is serious and wants to make a life with me. Next time I fall in love, I'm not going to fall out. I WILL have the life that I want, I WILL get married to somebody amazing, and I WILL have a baby some day. I'm going to live my young years having fun, I'm partying with my friends, until I find this perfect person. Not perfect, but perfect for me. And when that time comes I'll settle down and be the wife, be the mom, be whatever I want to be. My life is an open book, a half written novel, I've had so many experiences and some things have been incredible and some things have been devastating. But it's all good. I'm stronger than I ever would have thought. I am constantly learning. I feel really good, I feel really powerful and enlightened.
I have the world at my feet.
:)
I'm having fun. I love having my friends back. I really shut off my life to be in a relationship, I'm learning how wrong that was. I love my friends, I love my best friends, and I love my family.
Bryan I know you're reading this, you have been a GINORMOUS help. I just had to make up a word because there aren't any real words that can describe how much you are helping me. I love you soo much Bry, you're my bestest friend. <3
Last night and tonight I have stayed sober, and I'm good. :)
Bryan I know you're reading this, you have been a GINORMOUS help. I just had to make up a word because there aren't any real words that can describe how much you are helping me. I love you soo much Bry, you're my bestest friend. <3
Last night and tonight I have stayed sober, and I'm good. :)
Monday, January 4, 2010
i'm not scared of your stolen power.
I realize I sound like an idiot when I'm high. It just didn't matter at the time, that's the nice thing. I'm going to try to not drink or get high all week, at least until the weekend. My body is sick and needs to recooperate. I'm going to stay at my dad's for a few days I think, I hate being alone when I'm sick.
cooked
All I want to do is be high all the time. I never used to like it. I've been high for 4 days and I'm starting to get used to it, I like feeling not real. I feel better.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
here is my heart.
Well.. it has been an extremely rough couple of weeks. I won't lie. I have been dealing with things in pretty unhealthy ways, but I think I'm just about ready to spit it all out.
I just typed like 3 paragraphs and then erased them because it feels unorganized. There is so much I haven't said and need to say and I don't know where to start. I guess I'll start from the beginning.
In the beginning, I felt like I would never snap out of it. Losing Blake hit me so, so hard. The sadness saturated me completely, I felt so heavy, like I could never move or speak again. I felt like the tears would never ever stop, they kept coming and coming even when I wasn't expecting them, I'd lock the door and turn off the lights to go to bed and realize that tears were streaming down my face and I hadn't even noticed. I barely functioned. It didn't feel real, the house was empty and I just waited for him to come home and he never did. One morning at work he texted me and said he would be by later with Ron's truck to get his mattress and Diesel and everything. That's the exact moment that it felt real and that's when I lost control, I begged and pleaded and made a fool of myself. I offered everything I had, wanted to make every sacrafice to have him home. He said, "It's over, why are you doing this to yourself?" Then I knew it was real.
I had had suspicions about this girl, Megan. When Blake and I were still together, we were supposed to go see Protest the Hero with Nick one night. I was babysitting my dad's girlfriend's little ones and I got stuck there late, I told Blake to go ahead without me and have fun, not to miss out just because of me. He said thank you for being an amazing girlfriend. About a week later he text me one morning when I was at work and said, by the way, I gave my number to this girl I met at the Protest show and she's cool soo I'm going to be her friend. Just so you don't think I'm hiding things. .....Is that not wrong? I would never go out and give my number to some guy. Never. When I inquired about it he called me crazy and made me feel bad. I realize now how badly he used to manipulate me. When he broke up with me I asked if it had anything to do with her and he said no. I said, Please can we not get involved with anyone else just yet, I'm truly handling all I can handle. He said nothing and I knew then. The other day I went to pick up some of my stuff from his mom's place and he told me that they are hanging out and he really likes her and they kissed and she's high on life and I would love her blah blah blah blah. Way to stab an open wound. This girl is 17... she is worlds away from me. I said, she's seventeen Blake, you can't even take her out, what are you going to do with her? And he said, You don't want to know what I'm going to do to her. He laughs. I cry. He is joking but it's cruel.
I am not completely innocent. I tell him I am sleeping with Justin. Justin is my best friend and that's all, but the sexual chemistry is there and we both have no reason not to act on it, so why not? It's comfortable, it's a good thing, it soothes my sadness. Of course, I love Justin, I've always loved him and I always will love him. But after 8 years, there's so much more there, such a good friendship. And that's all it will ever be now. So, like I said, why not? He's filling a space in my life without all of the complications of a romantic relationship. He's my best friend by day, we get high and watch movies all day, or we party, we laugh and have fun. And at night it's different, it's more. There is a lot of intensity and passion and contentment. Through the whole night he never leaves my side, he never pulls away from me and I feel more loved by someone who doesn't love me than I ever did by someone who apparently did love me. And in the morning, he is just my best friend again. It's perfect.
So I tell Blake. And a part of me wants it to hurt him, I want him to be jealous and I want him to see what he's missing. I want to tell him exactly how much fun I have with Justin, but I don't. I say it nicely. He doesn't care. He tells me he got over me quickly and that it's just what he does. Really? A year and a half and you just "got over" me? Two weeks before Blake broke up with me, he told me that he is so in love with me and he truly wants to marry me, that he has even thought of where and when and how he will ask. I think that his Grandma dying set him off. He says our relationship was faultering, but I never felt that, I never felt that at all. And he never said it. Like I said, he played the marriage card just two weeks before all of this. I've given up trying to figure it out. It doesn't matter why it's over, it just matters that it's over. And now I'm able to see that it's better this way. I see that I was ignoring things before that were making me unhappy. Blake is emotionally shut down.
When we first started seeing each other, in the summer of 2008, he was full of feelings. We used to stay up all night talking about how crazy it was that we felt so intensely about each other, there was passion. I don't know where we lost that, but we surely did, and Blake has never been the same.
Blake said he wanted to be friends. He wanted to stay in touch and he wanted all of this to go as smoothly as possible. He is still being rude to me, he's still short with me on the phone, he's still mean. For so long I've been dealing with him being mean and not opening my mouth because I'd rather avoid a fight. It makes it easier. It's hard to feel sad when you're angry. I am harvesting my feelings, moulding my anger into a sort of protection, it has healing properties. Now when I see his face, I don't even find him attractive. It's amazing how quickly you can lose that. I used to live for his face, it could make my heart hammer in my chest. Now, nothing. It's a shame. I feel like I wasted a lot of my time and feelings and energy, I never wanted to mess around, I never wanted this. I was in it for real. A shame.
Now, I live day by day. I do what I want, see who I please. I'm drinking and getting high a lot right now but that will slow down, I'm just embracing my freedom. I'm having fun, meeting new people. I have more than a few people who are showing interest in me, not to sound full of myself but I'm realizing opportunities and it makes me feel good about myself. I am getting to know these people. I am nowhere near ready for a relationship, I'm actually loving being single right now. There is one person who I actually am starting to see potential in as I get to know him, and if he's really someone I'm supposed to be with, then he'll be around when I'm ready some day. Or not. Who knows. That's the beauty of this. I have ten million options and I have no idea what's going to happen in my life. All I'm doing is getting to know new friends, spending time with old friends, and sitting back to let whatever happens happen.
I'm getting used to this life. In the end, I'm glad for all that happened. It sucks that I wasted my time again, but this is the first time I've ever been single and it's giving me a chance to get to know myself. I'm getting out there, I'm doing things. If I want to stay in Welland, I can. If I want to go to Chatham to school, I can. And I'll have a good time. Maybe I will fuck off to a random place and join the Animal Liberation Front. I can if I want to. I can go live where ever I want, I can do whatever I want. My life is starting to show beauty and potential. I feel good, and I see good things coming. I couldn't want more.
I just typed like 3 paragraphs and then erased them because it feels unorganized. There is so much I haven't said and need to say and I don't know where to start. I guess I'll start from the beginning.
In the beginning, I felt like I would never snap out of it. Losing Blake hit me so, so hard. The sadness saturated me completely, I felt so heavy, like I could never move or speak again. I felt like the tears would never ever stop, they kept coming and coming even when I wasn't expecting them, I'd lock the door and turn off the lights to go to bed and realize that tears were streaming down my face and I hadn't even noticed. I barely functioned. It didn't feel real, the house was empty and I just waited for him to come home and he never did. One morning at work he texted me and said he would be by later with Ron's truck to get his mattress and Diesel and everything. That's the exact moment that it felt real and that's when I lost control, I begged and pleaded and made a fool of myself. I offered everything I had, wanted to make every sacrafice to have him home. He said, "It's over, why are you doing this to yourself?" Then I knew it was real.
I had had suspicions about this girl, Megan. When Blake and I were still together, we were supposed to go see Protest the Hero with Nick one night. I was babysitting my dad's girlfriend's little ones and I got stuck there late, I told Blake to go ahead without me and have fun, not to miss out just because of me. He said thank you for being an amazing girlfriend. About a week later he text me one morning when I was at work and said, by the way, I gave my number to this girl I met at the Protest show and she's cool soo I'm going to be her friend. Just so you don't think I'm hiding things. .....Is that not wrong? I would never go out and give my number to some guy. Never. When I inquired about it he called me crazy and made me feel bad. I realize now how badly he used to manipulate me. When he broke up with me I asked if it had anything to do with her and he said no. I said, Please can we not get involved with anyone else just yet, I'm truly handling all I can handle. He said nothing and I knew then. The other day I went to pick up some of my stuff from his mom's place and he told me that they are hanging out and he really likes her and they kissed and she's high on life and I would love her blah blah blah blah. Way to stab an open wound. This girl is 17... she is worlds away from me. I said, she's seventeen Blake, you can't even take her out, what are you going to do with her? And he said, You don't want to know what I'm going to do to her. He laughs. I cry. He is joking but it's cruel.
I am not completely innocent. I tell him I am sleeping with Justin. Justin is my best friend and that's all, but the sexual chemistry is there and we both have no reason not to act on it, so why not? It's comfortable, it's a good thing, it soothes my sadness. Of course, I love Justin, I've always loved him and I always will love him. But after 8 years, there's so much more there, such a good friendship. And that's all it will ever be now. So, like I said, why not? He's filling a space in my life without all of the complications of a romantic relationship. He's my best friend by day, we get high and watch movies all day, or we party, we laugh and have fun. And at night it's different, it's more. There is a lot of intensity and passion and contentment. Through the whole night he never leaves my side, he never pulls away from me and I feel more loved by someone who doesn't love me than I ever did by someone who apparently did love me. And in the morning, he is just my best friend again. It's perfect.
So I tell Blake. And a part of me wants it to hurt him, I want him to be jealous and I want him to see what he's missing. I want to tell him exactly how much fun I have with Justin, but I don't. I say it nicely. He doesn't care. He tells me he got over me quickly and that it's just what he does. Really? A year and a half and you just "got over" me? Two weeks before Blake broke up with me, he told me that he is so in love with me and he truly wants to marry me, that he has even thought of where and when and how he will ask. I think that his Grandma dying set him off. He says our relationship was faultering, but I never felt that, I never felt that at all. And he never said it. Like I said, he played the marriage card just two weeks before all of this. I've given up trying to figure it out. It doesn't matter why it's over, it just matters that it's over. And now I'm able to see that it's better this way. I see that I was ignoring things before that were making me unhappy. Blake is emotionally shut down.
When we first started seeing each other, in the summer of 2008, he was full of feelings. We used to stay up all night talking about how crazy it was that we felt so intensely about each other, there was passion. I don't know where we lost that, but we surely did, and Blake has never been the same.
Blake said he wanted to be friends. He wanted to stay in touch and he wanted all of this to go as smoothly as possible. He is still being rude to me, he's still short with me on the phone, he's still mean. For so long I've been dealing with him being mean and not opening my mouth because I'd rather avoid a fight. It makes it easier. It's hard to feel sad when you're angry. I am harvesting my feelings, moulding my anger into a sort of protection, it has healing properties. Now when I see his face, I don't even find him attractive. It's amazing how quickly you can lose that. I used to live for his face, it could make my heart hammer in my chest. Now, nothing. It's a shame. I feel like I wasted a lot of my time and feelings and energy, I never wanted to mess around, I never wanted this. I was in it for real. A shame.
Now, I live day by day. I do what I want, see who I please. I'm drinking and getting high a lot right now but that will slow down, I'm just embracing my freedom. I'm having fun, meeting new people. I have more than a few people who are showing interest in me, not to sound full of myself but I'm realizing opportunities and it makes me feel good about myself. I am getting to know these people. I am nowhere near ready for a relationship, I'm actually loving being single right now. There is one person who I actually am starting to see potential in as I get to know him, and if he's really someone I'm supposed to be with, then he'll be around when I'm ready some day. Or not. Who knows. That's the beauty of this. I have ten million options and I have no idea what's going to happen in my life. All I'm doing is getting to know new friends, spending time with old friends, and sitting back to let whatever happens happen.
I'm getting used to this life. In the end, I'm glad for all that happened. It sucks that I wasted my time again, but this is the first time I've ever been single and it's giving me a chance to get to know myself. I'm getting out there, I'm doing things. If I want to stay in Welland, I can. If I want to go to Chatham to school, I can. And I'll have a good time. Maybe I will fuck off to a random place and join the Animal Liberation Front. I can if I want to. I can go live where ever I want, I can do whatever I want. My life is starting to show beauty and potential. I feel good, and I see good things coming. I couldn't want more.
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