always breaking

sometimes the pain is so unbearable i can feel my mind slipping away and i feel myself losing control. i stand in front of the mirror and i am crying so hard that i can't catch a breath, i'm literally doubling over. i force myself to keep eye contact with myself in the mirror, i memorize the planes and angles of my face, the way the tears travel around all the contours. i memorize the sadness, i will call this image back later in life before i ever let myself fall in love again.

lf

when does it end?

back in the car

you're not gonna stop
not once you've begun
i know how you are.

STRENGTH

i took out my battle axe
i'm hacking at everything around me to get to the truth
the only way through is to fight, to carve a new path
i'm cultivating this into strength
i'm wielding it
i may bend, but i will never fucking fall.

solution?

I wrote this one year ago today:

"sometimes i just need to smoke a joint. i feel better now, now i can just chill and stop freakin' out.

i used to hate it but i dont know if i can ever stop now. my life is honestly better now that i do this all the time again, i mean i'm in a better place emotionally.

it's a temporary solution for depression."

so much for temporary haha

poetry

oh to know what i know. such an extravagant show. you did everything you could, and you hoped i never would, but now i finally know.

a light of my own

there's some bright light that's gone from me now, and re-ignition is impossible. how everything falls, sliding down the walls. i used to be so sure. i had a rope, in the middle of this mess. it didn't matter how bad i was bleeding, that rope held strong and stretched forth into the blackness that is my future. if only i had a little light of my own, maybe i could've seen. maybe i could've seen the rope fraying in the darkness before it snapped and sent me spinning off.

i've been living in this nothing for weeks and i'm starting to swallow it.

debate

unfamiliar, unremorseful
that's the way you were.
don't wanna bring it up again, that's the way you were.
oh well.
you raise questions of me
you haunt sections of town
be this or not
i know
i don't understand how this is appropriate
no, we don't understand. how bad at debate we are
and so we freeze...

the importance of elasticity

what happens when thoughts become too numerous to fit inside your brain anymore? when emotions become too strong to be contained by your heart anymore?
i lack the elasticity to compensate for the increasing pressure.
something's got to give.
everything explodes at once
bits of me; my thoughts, my emotions, my insecurities, my fears, my very organs fly around the room out of my control; destroying everything in their path
i am eviscerated

in holes

tell me all your secrets.
show me all the places where lies have plugged up the holes in your stories.
the truth has its hands around my heart, squeezing it in a rhythm faster than i'm used to - it's pumping pictures through my veins. all the words are searing through my soul.
hook
up
single
lady
every syllable takes my very breath away. i've been spinning for years.
we wear our lies like scars. they take our beauty away.
i count them all like sheep. i cry myself to sleep.

eviscerated

eviscerated i am. i am eviscerated. eviscerated.

nothing gold can stay

crashed. diving down to whole other levels i've never been to before.

way up

right now, in this very moment, i feel so happy that my eyes are welling up with tears and i can't get this smile off of my face. i don't even know why. for the last six and a half months i have hated my life as a college student and have wanted nothing more than to forward through it until it was time to get married and be an adult. but right now, i really love where i'm at. i'm doing so well in school, i have worked so much harder this semester and my grades are really reflecting that. the snow is going away, it's wet outside and the sun is beaming warmly through my window. justin will be here soon and he will not leave me for 8 whole days. and... i love my cats! haha all these things collectively have made me feel brighter, in this moment, than i have for the better half of a year.

:)

bright

i'm still up! can you believe it?! 5 more weeks!

is anyone out there still reading this?

360

what if i could find a way to turn everything around right NOW. what if i never endured the heart crushing sadness again? what if i did a 360, what if i was the happiest girl in the world?

i'm really trying. i don't want to hurt the people around me anymore. they suffer with me when i suffer and i know this. specifically mom and justin.

right now when i envision my future, it's exciting. i see myself with justin, happy, building our life together. but i'm up right now. i need to find a way to prevent myself from crashing back down. but it's like a tidal wave, huge and invasive, and absolutely impossible to stop.

consistancy

every day i suffer. i care about life, i am ever passionate. i want to change the world. i really do. i also want to leave it because i suffer.

constant constant constant battle

endless eternal enduring everlasting

well it just gets worse. i'm starting to feel really out of control. i used to have everything under control, for many years i thought i did, anyway. i guess it's beating me again. which means, i guess, i never really won. you know that old saying.. you may have won the battle, but the war is not over. that's my life. it doesn't fucking end. and it's never going to. how do i live with that?

please

that sadness. that evil, insatiable sadness. it's like a tidal wave. crashing in and out of my head. or my heart, i really don't know which. please please please let me make it through.

flashbacks

i remember happy summers in jess' backyard. aching nights and city lights in the king street apartment. tears and pleas of desperation in elliot's bedroom. zombies and makeup. new york nights, starbucks, strawberry daiquiris with joe. candy at the table and journals on first. hazy drunken blurs and Flip hoodies at jeff jones' house. sunshine and cigarettes, swimming pools with mom. blood and pills in the endicott basement. daddy crying in my yellow bedroom. jumping in the leaves on margaret street. owning the hallways. snorting water in morgan's kitchen to make the drugs stop burning. breakfast at captain nick's, lunches at wendy's with justin. joe tirabasso and all his complements. friday night sleepovers.

my life has been such a mess.

wavering

everything revolves around time. i'm constantly conscious of time. i wonder whether it's time for class, or time to leave, or time to wake up. i think about before. when things felt different. when they were. when can i graduate, i want to fast forward to getting a job, i want to fast forward to getting married. i want to go backwards, back to vegas. back to being close with my family. back to when i used to paint. shift forward again, i want to be buying a house now. i always want to go forward. or back. but either way, i almost never want to be where i am. there have been a select few moments in my life where i felt at peace with myself, like i was happy. driving home late at night from blue mountain, music playing, sun roof open, blowing smoke up into the stars. holding hands. i want to go back to that. i want to go back to that so bad that i'm being overwhelmed with tears. there are so little happy times in my life, always just this crushing sadness. i'm wavering.

a happy update

well i haven't looked at this blog since before the christmas break. in all honesty i forgot it even existed for a while. i read back and noted how incredibly dark all of my posts are. i really think that i only use this blog when i need it. when depression is really bad for me it's usually in waves that can last for months at times. i blog about how sad i am and then when i feel better i forget all about it. i feel good lately. i'm not sad anymore. in fact, i'm happier than i've been in a long while.

i'm having a hard time spitting out what i'm trying to say, my thoughts move too fast for me to actually put words to them sometimes. i guess what i'm thinking is that when i read all those depressing posts, i feel like i am reading someone else's blog. and i feel really sorry for that person. and it's also scary because that's just a condition that i live with, and i know that i'm going to feel like that again probably sooner rather than later.

for the record, as a reminder for my sad self of the future, things really do always get better. i'm here in depressing Ridgetown for a good reason and nothing can stop me from finishing what i set out to do. i have spent the last fifteen years suffering that sadness and i have yet to let it beat me. it's an exhausting struggle but i'm working toward something special now. i've been blessed with an incredible passion for helping animals and it would be a devastating waste not to use it. plus, i have my life to look forward to, i get to be married! yes i have been very blessed with love and passion. two things i'll never stop fighting for.