os coxae

i've learned sooo fucking much already since starting school. my brain is all full of trochanters and tuberosities and staphylococcus aureus and toxic neutrophils and lots of other things that i never knew existed. i just need to chill my brain out. blahhh.

brief thoughts

i just keep fighting through. i'm just a baby, most of my life is ahead of me yet. as a Canadian woman, my life expectancy is 82.7 years. now i don't know about that.. something inside me, ever since i was little, told me that i wouldn't live very long. it's just this weird feeling. but i've lived past when i thought i would and like i said, i just keep fighting through. i hope to fucking god, that life gets progressively better, and not worse. my mom says that life begins at 40. Cosmo says that for women, the 30s are far more enjoyable than your 20s. Cosmo and my mom are two of the 3 things i trust in this world.. the third being Justin. and he's promised me the life of my dreams. i trust him to give that to me. he does everything in his power to make me happy, always. every single day. so if i have someone like him by my side, how can i go wrong? how can i ever fail at life with this great love inside me? what if i am wrong and he destroys me? well... i'll keep fighting through. i'm always fighting through.

reality?

well every minute eats a little bit more of my rationality. the sucking sadness gets bigger and stronger and i don't really know what's real. how disorienting. is this intuition or psychotic insecurity? it's difficult to be alone with my thoughts for so many hours at a time. i always cry when i think for too long. what does that mean? what does that say? do i really have so many somber things to reflect upon or am i fabricating everything in my own lonely mind for no good reason? most likely the latter, but it's too hard to disregard the possibility of truth in the former.

nothing

my heart hurts. i'm empty, everything's pouring out in tears and there's almost nothing left. soon everything will fall apart.