in holes

tell me all your secrets.
show me all the places where lies have plugged up the holes in your stories.
the truth has its hands around my heart, squeezing it in a rhythm faster than i'm used to - it's pumping pictures through my veins. all the words are searing through my soul.
hook
up
single
lady
every syllable takes my very breath away. i've been spinning for years.
we wear our lies like scars. they take our beauty away.
i count them all like sheep. i cry myself to sleep.

eviscerated

eviscerated i am. i am eviscerated. eviscerated.

nothing gold can stay

crashed. diving down to whole other levels i've never been to before.

way up

right now, in this very moment, i feel so happy that my eyes are welling up with tears and i can't get this smile off of my face. i don't even know why. for the last six and a half months i have hated my life as a college student and have wanted nothing more than to forward through it until it was time to get married and be an adult. but right now, i really love where i'm at. i'm doing so well in school, i have worked so much harder this semester and my grades are really reflecting that. the snow is going away, it's wet outside and the sun is beaming warmly through my window. justin will be here soon and he will not leave me for 8 whole days. and... i love my cats! haha all these things collectively have made me feel brighter, in this moment, than i have for the better half of a year.

:)

bright

i'm still up! can you believe it?! 5 more weeks!

is anyone out there still reading this?

360

what if i could find a way to turn everything around right NOW. what if i never endured the heart crushing sadness again? what if i did a 360, what if i was the happiest girl in the world?

i'm really trying. i don't want to hurt the people around me anymore. they suffer with me when i suffer and i know this. specifically mom and justin.

right now when i envision my future, it's exciting. i see myself with justin, happy, building our life together. but i'm up right now. i need to find a way to prevent myself from crashing back down. but it's like a tidal wave, huge and invasive, and absolutely impossible to stop.