consistancy

every day i suffer. i care about life, i am ever passionate. i want to change the world. i really do. i also want to leave it because i suffer.

constant constant constant battle

endless eternal enduring everlasting

well it just gets worse. i'm starting to feel really out of control. i used to have everything under control, for many years i thought i did, anyway. i guess it's beating me again. which means, i guess, i never really won. you know that old saying.. you may have won the battle, but the war is not over. that's my life. it doesn't fucking end. and it's never going to. how do i live with that?

please

that sadness. that evil, insatiable sadness. it's like a tidal wave. crashing in and out of my head. or my heart, i really don't know which. please please please let me make it through.

flashbacks

i remember happy summers in jess' backyard. aching nights and city lights in the king street apartment. tears and pleas of desperation in elliot's bedroom. zombies and makeup. new york nights, starbucks, strawberry daiquiris with joe. candy at the table and journals on first. hazy drunken blurs and Flip hoodies at jeff jones' house. sunshine and cigarettes, swimming pools with mom. blood and pills in the endicott basement. daddy crying in my yellow bedroom. jumping in the leaves on margaret street. owning the hallways. snorting water in morgan's kitchen to make the drugs stop burning. breakfast at captain nick's, lunches at wendy's with justin. joe tirabasso and all his complements. friday night sleepovers.

my life has been such a mess.

wavering

everything revolves around time. i'm constantly conscious of time. i wonder whether it's time for class, or time to leave, or time to wake up. i think about before. when things felt different. when they were. when can i graduate, i want to fast forward to getting a job, i want to fast forward to getting married. i want to go backwards, back to vegas. back to being close with my family. back to when i used to paint. shift forward again, i want to be buying a house now. i always want to go forward. or back. but either way, i almost never want to be where i am. there have been a select few moments in my life where i felt at peace with myself, like i was happy. driving home late at night from blue mountain, music playing, sun roof open, blowing smoke up into the stars. holding hands. i want to go back to that. i want to go back to that so bad that i'm being overwhelmed with tears. there are so little happy times in my life, always just this crushing sadness. i'm wavering.