empty cage

it was only one hour ago, it was all so different then. nothing yet has really sunk in. looks like it always did. this flesh and bone is just the way that we are tied in, but there's no one home. i grieve for you, you leave me. so hard to move on, still loving what's gone. they say life carries on. it carries on and on and on and on. the news that truly shocks is the empty empty page, while the final rattle rocks its empty empty cage. and i can't handle this. i grieve for you. and you leave me. let it out and move on, missing what's gone. they say life carries on, carries on and on and on.

dying

So Blake and I are done. He left last night so I'm living here alone now until March. We are apart on good terms and trying to make everything as smooth as possible, even going to see each other sometimes.

I feel so sick. I have never been this sad in my life. I have not stopped crying and I haven't eaten and my insides are hurting and my head is spinning. I'm so in shock and so so so incredibly sad I don't even know what to do with myself. I can't emphasize enough how sad I am because there aren't even any english words for it. I feel like I'm dying.

twist

The last few days have been so upsetting and confusing that I have felt sick for every minute. I feel like I'm going to throw up at any given time. Blake's grandma is on her way out and he is really upset about it, they are really close. But he won't like.. show that he's upset but I know he is. He shows it in weird ways like pushing me away and that hurts me more than I can even say.

How much time needs to pass before I can get over things? How long before I regain trust? I was always the most loving, trusting person, to the degree that it was a fault. Now I can't trust if I try. It's really painful and my stomach is twisted into a constant knot. I'm trying to fix it but it just seems to get more and more tangled up. I can't stand it.

jam packed days..

So last night I went out with Jon, Jessie, Logan and Ryan for a while and then Jon, Jessie and Ryan came to my house after. Jon and Jessie bought me a present! It's a really adorable wooden cow who has bendy legs and stuff, he's sitting on the shelf in my living room. I love him! They had it gift wrapped and everything haha it was the cutest thing ever. Anyways they were over till almost one and then I didn't get to sleep until almost 2 and had to be at work by 7 this morning so that sucked. I worked until 10:30 and then went shopping with Jess for a while, and we met up with Riss and Leo and had lunch. Then Riss, Jess and I made Christmas cookies at Jess' house! It was a lot of fun. I made a special cookie for Blake and a special cookie for Jon and Jessie. After that the three of us went to Wal-Mart and I pretty much finished my shopping which is a HUGE relief.. I just have to get something for Riss now. I'm home now to eat and get my stuff together, Ash is picking me up in an hour to go shopping AGAIN haha. Then we are going to the gym and then I'm coming home.

I can't believe how crazy my days are. My time is just flying because I'm so insanely busy. I have EVERYTHING to wrap still and a lot of my ornaments to finish. I probably won't even get half of them done so some people will just have to go without!

Anyways I have a lot more to say but no time to say it.. work 8-6 tomorrow and then going to my aunt's after. This will just have to end here until I find some more time tomorrow night to rant about how I can't find any time!

time is flying

So I've had seven hours of sleep and it's time to start another day. I have to get ready and go to my dad's. Leash and I have rescheduled our Christmas date for Tuesday because it's easier for both of us, so now I can go to Crystal's tonight as originally planned. Ange just text messaged me and asked if we could have a Christmas get together next week. I'm thinking, when?! Every one of my days is filled right up except for Wednesday, I work at 4:30 so I'm free during the day. That's the day before Christmas Eve. It's Christmas Eve Eve. Oh man... I'm getting so stressed because I feel like I'm constantly on the go and something is constantly going on. I'm going to have a heart attack before Christmas ever comes....

4:00am is rolling around...

I should be sleeping. I don't know why I'm not. There's something about nighttime, I don't want to miss it. I like looking out the window at how the snow looks under the street lights. I like playing with my cat and having time to think. It's like a break from real life.

sleep talks

I can't find the cord to connect my stupid camera.

I can hear Blake talking in his sleep from our bedroom, he can never fall fully asleep until I come to bed. It's cute. He is always half asleep though so when I come to bed he says funny things. I went in the room to get some weed to make me tired haha and he sat up and said, "I'm confused." So I said okay, go back to sleep then. And he does. It's funny.

Anyways I'm posting again to thank my personal trainer Rob publically... Thank you for training me Rob. Are you happy now? haha.

beauty is pain

Well.. I just got home from the gym about 45 minutes ago. We did the full routine last night and again tonight so my body is feeling very achy. But it's only been two weeks and I'm already noticing changes, and I can lift more now than I could when we started! It's exciting, I want to lose about 15 pounds.

I feel like things are extremely hectic right now, and will be until after New Years. Every day is filled up with plans. Tomorrow I have to get up and get ready, go to my dad's house to watch the kids until about 6, then hang out with Leash. Friday I have to work at 7:00am (!!!) until 10:00, then I am going to Jess' house for Christmas baking, which I'm stoked for! Then after Jess' I'm going shopping and then to the gym. Saturday I work 8-6 and then I'm going straight to my aunt's house to make Irish Cream for Christmas. Sunday I am going shopping with my cousin and then dinner and laundry at Blake's mom's. Monday I work 7-5 and then I am having early Christmas dinner with my side of the family because we are all busy on Christmas. Tuesdays I am usually off but I have to work, then I work Wednesday, and I FINALLY have a day off Thursday which is Christmas Eve, and then I work Christmas Day and Boxing Day and straight through till New Year's Eve! Fuuuuck that's a long and busy schedule.

That was probably boring to read. On the bright side, I'll have some time to work on painting those ornaments while I'm at my dad's tomorrow and the kids are napping.

I would like to have a day full of nothing. I want to have time for seeing old friends and making new friends. I feel the need to socialize lately. We're going to have a New Year's party. Not really party, but you know, a gathering.

I think I'll post some pictures on facebook right now that I've been meaning to put up for a while. Until next time...

Christmas is coming!

Today is already December 16th.. Christmas is in 9 days. It is coming so fast. I have a few more gifts to buy, I know what they are I just have to pick them up on Friday when I get paid! I do have most of my shopping done. Tomorrow Leash and I are going to get together for a cute Christmas date, we're going to watch Christmas movies, wrap all of our gifts, and drink hot chocolate by the fire haha it sounds pretty lame when I say it but I think it will be fun and I'm excited. Especially since it's something we used to do years ago when we were really close, there are pictures of us wrapping Christmas gifts together and I'm wearing a green sweater and my hair is short and blonde. How times have changed!

The only thing I'm stressing about is that I'm running out of time to paint all my ornaments.. I have only finished 2 of them and I have like 15 more! With Christmas hours work has been pretty busy so it's hard to find time. I'm off tomorrow but I'm doing that thing with Leash, I'm off Sunday but there is so much else to do besides paint ornaments, I hope I can find time for them all.

I am feeling very sore today, all my muscles hurt when I stretch them. Ash and I had a good workout at the gym last night, we are going back tonight when I'm done work at 9:30. Right now I'm watching a Christmas movie at home by myself. I suppose I should get in the shower now and start getting ready for work so.. until next time!

Testing, one, two...

I used to be horribly addicted to livejournal, posting as often as 2 or 3 times a day, when I was younger. I don't have time for that these days, but I can probably swing 5 or 6 times a week. I enjoy a chance to spit out my thoughts, I'm kind of stoked on starting something like this again! I always have a lot to say. For now, though, all I have to say is goodnight!